Thursday, December 17, 2009

The trend: personal dressing

So as I've gotten thinner and thinner (and I am by no means thin...or even healthy...but I'm getting closer, and any discussion about that is not going to happen right now), I have found myself being drawn more and more to fashion. Not just new clothes (which have been completely necessary as I have dropped almost 4 dress sizes), but fashion. I am becoming more and more obsessed with style and trends, and I want to be a part of it. My problem with that is threefold.

First, the latest fashion isn't really available at the Gap. Now, I don't want to knock the Gap (and the other mall-stores like it). I get some good stuff there. It's affordable, and available. But it is far from cutting edge. And it's too casual. Even stores like Ann Taylor (which I love) and Banana Republic, which are more dressy, are really not up with current fashion. They're close, but not quite there. And I live in Austin, which is a great city, but not exactly a shopper's mecca. And the mall-stores are basically all I have. Second, even if I had really cutting edge fashion available to me, I'm a state employee, and while I love my job, it doesn't exactly leave me in the financial position to invest in a high-style wardrobe which, as we all know, can be just a wee bit expensive. Third, and this is the most difficult, I still am overweight, and I have a very hard time pulling fashion off. Frankly, most cutting-edge fashion is made for people with waists smaller than my thighs. And they (or their designers and assistants) know how to put a look together. I don't. Hell, even when I get down to my goal weight, I am not shaped like a model. I have boobs, and much to my husband's delight, they aren't shrinking in proportion to my weight loss. Which means all the tailoring in the world isn't going to let me pull off most of the hot styles. Sure, I wills soon be able to rock the naughty nurse look, but I'm gonna have trouble with "the floaty dress" (which is going to be all the rage this spring). And frankly, the naughty nurse thing is only going to get me so far in life.

All of this is leading up to what I just found on the vogue website. I went there just to see what's up, and I found that what's up for the spring is something called "personal fashion." What, you may ask, is that? Well, according to Vogue, and Vogue knows about these things, personal fashion is all about putting "your own unique spin on spring with stylish mismatched layers of lace, sparkle and leggings." Now, I'm not to hot on leggings, but I think I may just be able to pull off mismatched. All I need to do is take my queues from Emily, who has a...unique...sense of style all her own, which her teachers love, but I find painful. Today, for instance, she wore a black, pink and gold striped Guess long sweater with pink tights. I told her she had to at least wear leggings, so she went and got pink, orange, yellow and green striped leggings to put on. The effect was...well, either horrific or striking, depending on whether you're a true fashionista or just a mom. I guess I'll just have to embrace it though, 'cause it's what's hot right now. Who knew I'd end up taking fashion advise from my five-year-old.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'll have the strawberry fields salad, hold the pretension

So I got lunch today from this place downtown called Leaf. Normally, I'd hyperlink to the restaurant's site, but I'm annoyed with them today, so no link for them. Why, do you ask, am I annoyed (let's pretend you did ask)? You may say, "I've been there, and they have the most fantastic salads." You'd be right, of course. Their strawberry field salad is to die for. But, I don't like it exactly how they make it. Which should be no problem. It's not like I'm wanting them to custom blend dressings for me. I just happen to not want bacon on my salad, and prefer not to have four pounds of goat cheese and onions in it either.

So I went in today at 11:30 or so, and I was the only customer in the joint. There was no one eating, nobody in line, nada. It was just me and about 10 employees all standing around looking self-important. So I walked up and told the closest person I wanted two strawberry fields, but each one would be a little different. So the first girl got another girl to do the second salad. Then the first girl took off on the first one. She acted like she was the A.J. Foyt of the salad-making world. Or like there was a customer waiting to be served behind me. Or--more likely--as if she had very important things to do with her time other than make a stupid salad for a stupid customer. The second girl asked me a question, and when I turn to answer her, the first girl dumped what had to have been the equivalent of two large red onions on my salad. I said "woah, hang on there...." And then I got the look You know, the look that says "how dare you question my salad making abilities, you plebeian?" Not to be deterred from my mission to eat an entire salad without giving myself putrid onion breath, I told her to take some of the onions off. That nearly sent her over the top. She then proceded to make my salad with so much anger and hostility you would have thought I had told her I voted for McCain, or didn't believe in global warming. Much to her bitter disappointment, I still made her make my salad the way I wanted.

Apparently, the part on their website where they say "Our impeccable staff will strive to serve you with common courtesies" is meant to be very loosely interpreted. Or perhaps they strive for that, but it's one of those Big Hairy Audacious Goals that they just won't ever be able to attain. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to keep going there. But next time, I'm going to actually tell them that I want the strawberry fields, hold the onions and the pretension.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Praise the Lord


I got an email today from "Praise the Lord." It told me I could have my money prayers answered just by clicking on the provided link.

You know things have gotten pretty bad when you start getting spam from God.

Do I have to care?

So, lately the headlines have been...well...dull. I don't know if it's just me, or what, but I don't give a flying rat's ass who Tiger Woods slept with, or what position he did it in. I just don't care. I don't care if his old lady clubbed him in the head. I don't care if he did fifteen porn stars at the same time as shooting five under par at Augusta.

I also don't care that the global warming nuts tweak and massage their data to make me think the world is going to end. This really shouldn't be news to anyone. I seriously doubt you could find any big study that didn't have some data massaging in it. Science isn't perfect, friends. It's subject to interpretation and zealots are always going to interpret it to appear the way they want it to. Or, more precisely, big corporations who fund zealots are always going to insist that the data is interpreted in a way that will result in the greatest profit for them. Get over it. That's what makes the world go round. (well, technically, it's not. But the rotation of the earth is probably somehow influenced by the ozone gases, and our pollution of the world by emitting carbon monoxide is probably slowing it down or something. Someone should probably do a study). I promise you that the zealots on the other side do the same shit. They just haven't gotten caught yet. Probably because they aren't stupid enough (or organized enough) to form a large organization devoted to promoting their agenda and then keep all the incriminating evidence on a single server.

I just want some news that I give a shit about. Frankly, I don't know what that would be at this point, but I'm willing to experiment and find out. If you've got something interesting to tell me (or the world), bring it on.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Texarkana...woot

So here I am in cloudy Texarkana. It's cold, dark, and desolate. They lost my co-worker's luggage. So far, I'm impressed! But the real fun is yet to come. Dinner at a fine Texarkana restaurant. I can hardly wait.


I feel fat

I haven't blogged in a long time, mainly because I've been busy as all get out. But I found an interesting blog today, and I decided to post it to my site, so while I'm here, I may as well write something.

I am about to go to Texarkana for work. I really don't have any desire to, but hey, that's why I get paid, right? Anyone know a good way to spend an evening without a car in the middle of nowhere?


Me either.

Oh, the title of this post is because I have gained weight for a week straight now. I have been doing really well on my diet. I had lost 44 lbs. But then there was Thanksgiving, and I snapped and ate poorly, and I have been doing the same ever since. I'm already up 2 1/2 lbs. Ugh. I'm going to try and get back on track today, but I'm traveling, which makes it hard. There's probably not a lot of healthy options in airports and BFE. Oh well, there's always the day after tomorrow.

Here's another reason to break my diet... a 24-hour "diner" with what appears to be good (not really diner) food. It's appropriately called "24 Diner". I hope their food is better than their website.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Uh....Good job Obama (I can't believe I just said that)

So Obama gave a speech to the schoolgoing youth of America today. I was opposed to the idea, worried that he would use the speech as a tool to promote his agenda. I am very surprised and pleased to report that he did not. The speech was actually---God, I hate to say this---well written, pertinent and appropriate. Well, apart from comparing man walking on the moon with Twitter.

Here it is in its entirety (this is apparently what was prepared...what he actually said may be different, I don't know...if you know, let me know.):

Source: The White House
Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today. I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility. I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn. I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox. I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork. I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.
And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.
And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Really?

So I don't know what is going on with the LSU game tonight, but it's realy killing me. First, there's our total lack of defense. I was really hoping that we would have a decent defense this year, and based on the first half of the game, we have a worse defense than we did last year. We are putting some pressure on the qb, but not enough to sack him, and we have absolutely no pass coverage at all. If it weren't for f'ups by Washington, we'd be in the hole right now.

Second, ESPN's coverage is horrible! There's the whole issue with the wobbly cameras. It's giving me a headache. Then there's the commentators failing to describe the fouls. Finally, there's them chatting it up through a TD play by LSU. The go back to the game in time for me to see a guy run into the endzone, but I have no idea how he got there. Seriously, if you screw up and don't have the game showing when you're supposed to be airing the game, at least replay it. And an LSU player intercepted a ball and ran it in for a TD, and the commentators didn't even say who it was. I mean, it's not hard. Just give the guy a shout out.

Finally, the refs suck. And I don't just mean bc they have made calls that are detrimental to LSU. They are missing obvious calls on both sides. They are forgetting to announce the penalties that they call. They take forever to....oh, I have to interrupt to bitch about the facemasking that they just failed to call. Where was I? Oh, yes...they take forever to decide a replay that is totally obvious. They throw a flag and whistle a play dead prior to the snap, then let the play unfold, pick of the flag, and move on as if nothing has happened. Call me crazy, but I was under the impression that if you've alreadly whistled a play dead, the play is actually dead. Apparently things are different on the west coast.

Great, one of our defensive linemen just went out with what looks like a concussion. Things just keep getting better.

I don't like the start to this season. I don't like it one bit.

UPDATE: To the refs of this game. I know it's confusing, so here's the definition of HOLDING:

An illegal action where one player keeps another from advancing by grabbing him and holding him back.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This post is gay.

So I am trying very hard to lose weight. The first thing that I notice is that its really REALLY expensive to lose weight. I'm sure I'm saving some money on food, but I can't, for even a second, think that it makes up for how much I'm spending on losing weight. There's the gym (expensive, but oh, so nice), the trainer (not too bad, and very helpful), the fitness test (which was also really cool...they did the VO2 test and stuff), the gym clothes, the sports drinks (well, tablets...I've been using those nuun tablets. They don't have sugar.) (and now that I think about it, those are probably cheaper than diet coke, which I'm drinking less of), healthy food (which is more expensive than junk food), my heart-rate monitor (expensive but cool), and then gas to get to the gym every night.

But I have to say that the money is worth it. I have to be adding years to my life by getting fit, and I feel SO much better. I did weight training last night, and it felt so good when I finished. I got that endorphine-high, and it's really a great feeling. Now I see why people do this. Plus, my clothes are getting too big, which is awesome. One of my goals is to get to the point where I have to buy a new fabulous wardrobe (uh...ok, add that to the list of expenses). I've already dropped two pant sizes. Luckily, I used to be much thinner, and I have a lot of those clothes still.

I'm a long way from being the weight I want to be, but I've made a really good start, and I actually believe that I am going to reach my goal (despite what the nutritionist said...and no, I didn't pay her...it was free with the gym membership). Anyway, to anyone out there that doesn't think they can lose weight, I really do recommend trying. It's a really amazing feeling.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

My name is Carole Callaghan, and I hate the New York Times.

So I've never really liked the New York Times. They are way to liberal and self-important. But on Friday the went beyond being a liberal fish rag with one of their editorials. I now find that paper to be so pathetically bad that I don't find it worthy of holding up fish guts. Using their paper for gutting fish is insulting to the decapatated fish community. My ire is based on an editorial about Sharon Keller which had so many factual errors that it would be easier to count the words that were correct than to summarize the downright lies the opinion contained. And I bet I could count the accurate words without resorting to my toes. Normally I would post a link to the offending article, but I'm not going to up the web hits to the NYT by making it easy for my readers to go there. If you want to seek it out, go ahead, but be forewarned that in some way, you are supporting their unethical and reprehensible behavior.

I'd call out the author of the article as being a liberal gossip-monger, but he/she is too slimy and chicken-shit to even post his/her name. So I'll just assume that he/she speaks for the entirety of the NYT and go on being repulsed by the newspaper as a whole. These people give journalism a bad name. No wonder people don't want to buy the paper anymore.

At any rate, I have to go prepare for court, but I wanted to let everyone know that you should NEVER believe what you read from the NYT. God forbid you rely on something they say. Because chances are likely, if not highly probable, that they are leading you astray.


UPDATE: Some anonymous reader commented that I would have more credibility if I would cite to at least one fact that the article got wrong. Here is my response:

When talking about her stating that the clerk's office closes at five, the author wrote "She did not follow appropriate procedures."

The clerk's office closes at five. It's mandated by state law. There are procedures for filing after hours, which were not utilized by Richard's attorneys. Thus, regardless of how you feel about her empathy for Richard, she most certainly did follow appropriate procedures.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fat people and sportswear

I feel as though I am somewhat of an authority on fat people. I've had years to fully explore and develop my knowledge base first hand. But I'm not quite as well-informed when it comes to working out. Frankly, I suck at it. But, I want to see the world through the eyes of a skinny person (or at least a skinnier person), so I find myself having to enter the unknown world of real exercise.

This exploration has prompted me to purchase some new clothing. You know, clothing that's work-out appropriate. And let me tell you, the people who make work-out clothes must all firmly believe that fat people should either go on being fat, or exercise nude. Because they do not make clothing to fit fat chicks. Even sports bras that are supposed to be my size leave much to be desired.

I tried on some different things today at Sports Authority. One item was a sports bra in my size (which is really really big). I loosened the straps as far as they would go, and the bottom of the bra just barely reached the top of my tits. Seriously. Who the hell are they making these things for? People without shoulders? Circuis freaks? I feel like writing Champion and telling them that they can stop making them because the people who actually have boobs that high up on their chests don't need bras. Fake tits hold themselves up.

As for the shorts and shirts, the goal of work-out clothing appears to be "make fat people go away by forcing them to stand in front of those long-ass mirrors that line the walls of every athletic club in the free world and stare at their rolls of fat until they decide the better option is to kill themselves." The one benefit to these clothes is that some of them are so hard to get in and out of (think sports bras) that I am pretty sure I lost weight just trying them on. My new strategy is to go try clothes on for at least an hour every day. I should be skinny in no time.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Obama redefines stupid

So the other day, Obama said the Cambridge police acted stupidly because of how they responded to a 911 call regarding a break-in at a house who's owner was thought by the caller (a neighbor) to be out of town. The "stupid" police went to the house, and found two men inside, one of whom claimed to be the owner of the house. The "stupid" police then asked for id, and the alleged owner refused to give it to them. An argument insued, during which time the alleged ownder cussed out the "stupid" police. The "stupid" police then arrested the alleged owner, and hauled him off to jail.

It turns out the alleged owner was the actual owner, but in a stupid...er elderly moment, couldn't get his front door open, even after repeated shoving. So afer trying to knock the front door in, he went around back and let himself in. A neighbor saw someone busting down his neighbor's door, and stupidly called the police, informing them that the owner of the home was out of town and someone was breaking in.

The owner turned out to be a black Harvard professor (of African-American studies), who then immediately started crying about racial profiling. Oh, and it just so happens that this particular black Harvard professior is Obama's bud. During a press conferece or town hall or whatever it is that Obama does to "connect" to the people, he was asked what he thought about the incident. Despite not being fully aware of all the facts, he responeded by proclaiming that the officers who made the arrest acted stupidly. That's right, he called the cops stupid on national television.

Today, Obama realized that it may have been stupid, er unwise of him to piss off the people who are here to serve and protect (probably when he started getting tons of calls from police unions), and issued a retraction...of sorts. He didn't say "sorry for calling you stupid," or "maybe I should stay the hell out of things that have nothing to do with me or my job, and let the people who have a clue what's going on handle that kind of thing," No, no, instead he said:
I unfortunately gave an impression that I was malinging the Campbridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically.
Really? Ya think? I'm going with you did give that impression, because that's what you meant to do. What other possible impression could calling the cops stupid have given? Did you think that by saying the officer was stupid people would think you really just wanted to hug the guy? Did you think people would interpret "stupid" as "really swell?" Do you tell your kids they're stupid when the get an algebra problem wrong and then claim they misunderstood what you meant? "No, no, sweetie, don't cry. Daddy didn't mean to give you the impression that you, specifically are a retard."

Here's the whole quote from Obama:
I think it's fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry. Number two, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home. And number three - what I think we know separate and apart from this incident - is that there is a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately, and that's just a fact.
Ok, let me get this straight. The police go to a home where they think someone has broken in; they find someone inside the house. The person who the police think has broken in refuses to give ID, and then cusses them out. Where exactly is the part where the police were acting stupidly? For responding to a call? For questioning the person found inside a house when they were previously told that the owner of the house was out of town? For arresting the jackass who refused to simply produce an id and clear the situation up? For arresting the jackass who then cussed them out? Forgive me, but I was under the impression that the poilce were supposed to act that way. That's why we pay them and give them guns and shiny little badges to wear on their uniforms.

Oh, and by the way, Obama. I wouldn't be angry. I'd give the cops my ID and send them on their merry way after thanking them for doing a good job. You know, just like any normal non-holier-than-thou-ass-hole professor (or politician) would.

You wanna know what I think is stupid? Socialist heath care.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Twitter

So, it's been a while since I wrote anything, but I just haven't been inspired. Until today when I was driving into work, and I saw the marquee on the side of one of the Camp Mabry buildings. It said "Twitter TexasGuard."

Seriously? The National Guard has a twitter page? What the hell do they say?
doing push-ups now. God these suck

Woke up an hour early today at 4:00am. I'm tired, but I'm so pissed off at getting up this early that I think I'm gonna go kick someones ass.

College tuition isn't worth it. Run while you can!
Just ate chow. My dog eats better than this, and I buy him the cheap food.

Lance Armstrong has a twitter page. I'm sure it's him personally sending out the messages too:

Andreas Kloden is right behind me. He's such a pansy-ass prick. I'm thinking of sticking my leg out and making him crash. I'm so going to kick his ass in this race.

I know I said I'd be happy just getting the team water, but did anyone actually believe that?

Does anyone know a hot skinny celebrity I can date until she gets cancer?

Doesn't Levi Leipheimer look dreamy in those bike shorts?

The other day during the College World Series (which LSU won), they showed Les Miles tweetting.* LES MILES! He's a freaking football coach for Christ sake! What the hell does he have to tell the world?

Recruited another guy today. He's f'ing huge. His arms are the size of elephant legs. He's gonna be great on the defensive line if I can just keep him out of prison.

We did drills this morning, and then I thought up this great trick play. Here's how it goes...Psyche! I'm not telling you! You'll just got tell USC!

Hehehe. Nick Saban is a retard to have left this place. These people treat me like I'm the king of the world!

* Is it tweeting? What the hell is the verb for sending tweets? God, it's a whole new language.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Obama again redirects "belligerent" North Korea

In yet another firm, yet appropriate statement today, President Obama took the opportunity to give North Korea another teaching lesson, and reiterate his prior concerns with N. Korea using big boy toys, such as nuclear arms. Obama averred that North Korea should not be given incentives to be a good boy. Rather, the President charged the free world with standing up to the "belligerent" country through a UN resolution which asks North Korea in a firm but caring manner to "stop playing with weapons of mass destruction, especially if it doesn't have enough to share with the rest of the class." In a moment of obvious frustration, Obama went on to redirect the country, stating "Why don't you use that pent up energy to go clean your room like I asked you to hours ago?"

Ima Clevenhoof, president and co-founder of International Parenting through Effective Engagement, or IPEE, praised the President for his effort. "One of the most difficult challenges any parent faces is showing his child that inappropriate behavior will never be approved of, while encouraging the child to develop his more positive strengths. Obama seems to have struck just the right balance, showing North Korea that he is hurt by their behavior, and eager to see the country focus it's energy on a more productive task." However, Clevenhoof went on to make suggestions on how the President could continue his message of positive reinforcement without coming across as '"weak" or "a total pushover." "By noting that he has previously failed to persuade North Korea to clean it's room, the President is emhasizing his own failure just as much as Korea's poor behavior," Clevenhoof noted. "What he should do instead is find a way of getting Korea excited about cleaning up, maybe by singing the 'clean up' song with the country, or offering to clean up with Korea."

During UN negotiations, Canada again expressed its concern with the world's strong reactions to North Korea's nuclear testing, arguing "A hug a day makes the badsies go away." Canada, who was later seen at the vice principal's office reporting that Zimbabwe had given it a wedgie, could not be reached for further comments.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

WTF?

So earlier tonight I went to pee in my bathroom, and was greeted by a big ugly hornet. I didn't see it until I had already sat down and let it all go, but let me tell you, as soon as my eye caught that sucker, the pee went straight back in out of sheer terror. For a few seconds I thought "I'll just finish up here and the let Kelvin kill it." Yeah, not so much. I decided to take my business elsewhere.

Then, not ten minutes later, Kelvin was out in the garage smoking a cigar and reading a book, when something caught his eye. He looked up and thought, at first, that a roach was dragging somehting across the garage floor. He turned to look, and saw that it wasn't a roach; it was another hornet. It gets better. The hornet was dragging a tarantula. That's right...I said a hornet was dragging a tarantula. Kelvin came and got me, and I went to see the tarantual (which the hornet finally gave up on). The damn thing was easily 4 inches across. If I had found it, I'd have totally flipped out. We are guessing that the hornet stung the tarantula and killed it, and was trying to go enjoy a feast (or put the damn thing on a stake and offer it up to the buzzing Gods).

What the hell is going on around here? Has my house turned into an episode of wild kingdom or something? I bet I have weird dreams tonight!

Oh, and in unrelated news, Emily had her first dance recital today. It was so adorable! The best part was when Emily decided that she needed to get around one of the curtains (when she wasn't performning) and she just walked onstage and went around it. The audiance was told before the show not to laugh at the cute antics of the kids, because it could hurt thier feelings. We were told "if you feel like laughing, clap instead." I think when Emily waltzed onstage, she got the biggest round of applause of the evening! I took a bunch of pics, which you can see on my FB page (if you have one...otherwise, you're a dork). Here's a pic. I'd upload more, but this one took about 10 minutes to upload, and I really can't be bothered to do more.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ok, I feel compelled to say something here.

So I haven't spoken up about the nomination of Sotomayor, but I was doing some reading on it today, and I have come to the conclusion that people in Kansas are idiots. Now, I know, you may be confused here. I start out talking about a Supreme Court nominee from New York, and I conclude that Dorothy's home town is full of dimwits, but trust me, there is a connection.

You see, I was reading news articles about her, trying to find out where she stands on certain issues, and I came across this article from the Kansas City Star. Let's start with the headline:

Roberts decides on Sotomayor: He's a "no" vote. Demos blast "blind rush to judgment"

Now, when I read that headline, I immediate thought of Chief Justice Roberts. Because, well, we're talking about a Supreme Court nomination, and "Roberts" is Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Of course, the first thing that came to my mind was "what the _____ is Roberts doing expressing an opinion on this?" So naturally, I clicked on the link to read the article.

Here's the first relevent part of the article:

Chris Stigall on KCMO-AM asked Roberts this morning whether he feels compelled to support the Supreme Court nominee as a way of avoiding the tag of "bigot." Responded [Senator] Roberts: "I'm a Marine and nothin’ much scares me.
That's not going to be a consideration in my vote."

This afternoon, Kansas Democrats slammed Roberts for making up his mind too quickly."Partisan politics should never hinder the important process of Senate confirmation," said Kansas Democratic Party executive director Kenny Johnston.


Where to start....first, when you're talking about a Supreme Court nomination, don't just say "Roberts," say "Senator Roberts." Of course, there's a distinct possibility that the good people of Kansas don't realize that the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is John Roberts.

Second, what a stupid f'ing question. You can be opposed to a candidate because you disagree with their political views, because you think they are biased, because you think they don't fully embrace the limited role of the courts, because they're idiots, etc. etc. etc. Just because you are opposed to a candidate, doesn't mean you are a bigot.

Third, what Senator Roberts actually said was:

I voted no in 1998 (when she was up for the Appeals Court). I did not feel that she was appropriate on the Appeals Court. Since that time she has made statements on the role of the Appeals Court that I think is improper and incorrect.


"I think that we should be judging people not on race and gender or background or ethnicity or a very telling story. There are a lot of peope that have that. My goodness, Clarence Thomas had that, and look what he got.


"I think that you should be judging people on their qualifications, whether they will follow the Constitution, and if they do that and they follow the Constitution and they don’t make laws, they simply follow the Constitution and interpret it, I will support them.


Yeah, I can totally see how democrats interpret that as a "blind rush to judgment." How dare this racist pig judge the candidate based on her qualifications and ability to follow the Constitution.

And I thought Louisianians were bad.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It's all in the presentation, people.

So if you didn't already know (because you are clueless), I'm of facebook pretty regularly. One of the things I've noticed on it is the ads for credit reports. The most recent string of them involves some number, usually in the high 600's, made to look really pretty, like this:

My guess is that, if they make your score look good, you won't be so pissed off about it. I used to teach statistics to maintenance techs at AMD, and one of the things I would always teach is that it doesn't matter what data you are presenting, your boss will like it if you use pretty charts and graphs. I guess the credit score people think the same thing.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Obama, UN to tell North Korea "No No" and put them in time out

So, yesterday, Kim Jong-il tested a nuclear weapon. The bomb, which is roughly the size of the bombs the US used by the US in WWII, was successfully detinated underground. Korea further tested two missles yesterday, one being a surface to air missile, and the other, a surface to ship.

President Obama took swift action, rallying the support of the United Nations, and devising a plan to "strongly respond" to the tests. Insiders say the President met with top officials from other military powerhouses such as France, and determined that the best course of action was to immediately reprimand the unruly leader, place him in time-out for "at least five minutes," and provide distractions to divert his attention from his nuclear weapons. Piping in during the talks, Canada's leaders suggested giving Jong-il a hug, and telling him that we still love him, but not his behaviors.

Iraqui leaders expressed outrage at the UN proposal, staing that it "wasn't fair" and noting that they got "way harder punishments" when they were bad a few years ago. Obama, quickly took steps to calm the Iraquis, explaining that the United States still loves Iraq, but sometimes grown ups make boo boos too, and that to make up for it, Iraq will get an extra-big scoop of low-fat, non-dairy soy-ice product after dinner, if Iraq promises to eat all its veggies and help South Korea with its homework.

In the end, everyone held hands and sang kombya until sundown, when they all got in their toyota priuses and drove home at a reasonable speed.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

This is my now.

So for those of you who don't watch AI, the title of my blog is actually the winner's song from a few years ago (the year that Jordan Sparks won). It sucks. But even in it's complete suckatude (yes, that's a word, damnit), it was light years better than this year's song, written by Kara DioGuardi (or however the hell you spell her name). This years song actually makes my ears vomit. Not just my stomach...my ears. It's that bad. I cried, and it wasn't tears of joy. I'd tell you the name of it, but thankfully, I don't know it. And even better, I can't remember how it goes. Ahhh the sweet bliss of ignorance.

Other than that, though, this was one of the better AI finales that I have seen. They had Kiss (singing with Adam Lambert). Adam was really amazing with them. They had Santana (with the whole gang...could have done without that...and all of the other group numbers actually). They had Queen with Adam and Kris singing. It rocked. They had Lionel Richie singing with Danny Gokey, and it was pretty good. They had Cyndi Lauper singing with Allison. Allison was WAY better than Cyndi. I love that kid's voice and her style. Kris Alan sang with Kieth Urban, and it was really fantastic. And David Cook sang a song clearly written about his brother who just died from cancer. Seriously, am I the right age to be a Cougar? Because that guy gets me totally w...well, you know.

Anyway, I actually thought it was a good show other than the fact that Kris really was too shocked to be happy in the end, and so the final five minutes was totally a snoozefest. Musically, I like Kris better, but my god, Adam is a showman. It would have been more exciting if he had won.



Summertime. Ugh.

So it's summertime. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of fun things to do in the summer. The pool is back in full swing, so I can go frighten young children with the sight of me in a swimsuit. Then there's the lake (where, again, I can permanently scar the minds of young children with the horror of my swimwear...or me in swimwear). It stays light out long, which means more outside play on weekdays.

But my shows end.

So this summer, I thought I'd give the summer lineup a try and see if I could possibly find something to keep me from actually getting off my ass and doing something productive. Unfortunately, I've looked around, and there's just nothing out there. I've read several blogs/articles about the summer lineup, and it all makes me fall asleep. Frankly, I think I'm going to be forced to actually exercise. Oh, God...what has my life come to?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Yummy...not.

So today started off with me fasting. I had a doctor's appointment at 7:30, which I thought was at 9:30. Needless to say, I'm slightly miffed at myself for fasting for nothing. But, I need to lose weight anyway, because I'm going on VACATION! That's right. I am actually going to go someplace for no reason other than to hang out (and watch my friend Diane get married).

So anyway, I am going to try and lose weight before I go. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no crazy fantasy that I can look good by my vacation, or even ok. I am fully aware that it will take far more than a month to get this fat ass looking good. But I at least can attempt to keep from scaring small children. That's my goal.

To that end, I just finished up my breakfast. Slimfast. Ugh. Seriously, why is it that everything good on Earth is bad for you? What kind of cruel f-ing joke is that? My theory is that God is pissed off at most of us, and he can't provide tasty healthy foods to those he's not pissed off at, because the rest of us would figure out a way to cut in on the yummy-food party. So he makes the good people (Tina) suffer, to keep the rest of us from getting a heavenly reward. harumpf.

Monday, May 18, 2009

It's Monday

On a positive note I am actually working from home today like I am supposed to. On a less than positive note...it's Monday.

Huh. That's about all I have to say right now.

Monday, May 11, 2009

A shout out to Bob Marley, et al.

So twenty-eight years ago today, Bob Marley died of cancer. He was 36 years old. Why is it that great musicians always die young? I mean, this isn't some new phenomenon. It's been happening this way since...well since a really long time ago. There was (in no particular order) Motzart, Patsy Cline, Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Sid Vicious, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Duane Allman, Karen Carpenter, Jimi Henxrix, Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley.

I'm sure there's others that I haven't listed, but you get the idea. Most of these guys died before they were 30. All of them died before 50. Frankly, it makes me glad I'm not famous!

Anyway, I'm giving a big shout out to them all. They were all good, and most of them were great. They would have been great for a long time if they hadn't died young.

Here's a pic of my kids playing this weekend:

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cancer really doesn't seem that bad...

I know I'm not the nicest person ever. I definitely have my faults, but I really REALLY don't think that I deserve the most recent hand that's been dealt me. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not dying of cancer or something, but I just can't muster that kind of optimism.

Here's the deal. Next week I have two hearings. Originally, they were going to be back to back, one in Fort Worth, the other in Dallas. That was no big deal. Each one should only take half a day. I could drive up do both, and be home by Thursday night. Then, last week, the judge in my second hearing decided to move the date. Now I have one hearing on Tuesday, and one on Friday. That totally sucks, but it's still, not the worst thing in the world. It means a lot of driving and whatnot, but it's not the end of the world. I knew I'd be totally exhausted by Friday night, but I'm starting to get used to that with my job.

Then, Kelvin tells me today that he is going to California for all of next week for work. That totally fucking sucks. He says...as if it's no big deal...he will just get his parents to come up and watch the kids. No worries.

Frankly, I'd rather have a lobotomy. It means that this weekend, when I should be relaxing on mother's day, I will instead be trying to clean my house in a completely vain attempt at impressing his parents who will, undoubtedly, be entirely unimpressed. Then, on Wednesday, when I should be trying to relax as much as possible between hearings, I will be entertaining his parents, who will, once again, be unimpressed with anything I do or say.

I even tried to get my dad to come watch the kids. He's retired, and has offered to help out in the past. So I called him and asked. He said that one of my mom's sisters is going to Missouri to visit, and she may want to go up there next week. My mom NEVER wants to go on vacation, so this is a total shock, and there is no way in hell that I want to do anything to keep her from taking vacation, because she doesn't let herself go have fun nearly enough. So, that means no help from my folks this time. Which means, we have to ask Kelvin's folks. And I have to live in in-law hell along with work hell next week.

I don't know, because I've never had a life-threatening illness, but I'm thinking if I can make it through next week, cancer would be a walk in the park.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I just don't get it

So I just finished my timesheet for April. I felt like I worked the entire month nonstop. I thought "there is no way I could sustain this. How do people put in these 80 hour weeks?"

Turns out, I can't answer that, because I didn't. I feel like I worked my ass off, yet on the worst week, I only put in 61 hours (granted, that was during what should have been a 4-day workweek, but still...had it been a full workweek, I wouldn't have ended up reaching even 70 hours total). I averaged just over 10 hours a day for the month. So, if there are people that are really working 80 hours a week, I have to say that they are f'ing crazy. There is no way in heaven, hell or anywhere in between that I could do that.

If you see my boss, don't tell him that I only averaged 10 hours a day. It would ruin the whole martyr thing I have going right now. And boss, if you're reading this, you should just ignore it, or pretend someone else wrote it. You need to focus on how hard I worked, not on some silly ramblings in a random unimportant blog.

Handlebars vs the Goatee...

So a friend of mine is growing a mustache for a good cause. It's the Breast Cancer Resource Center of Texas. Here's his website where you can go to make a donation. And he is posting daily pictures of his new do here. I strongly recommend you donate.

But on a more important note...ok, not really as important, but more immediately pressing for me...he said I can give input on style. Now, I have absolutely no experience with mustaches, so this is not an easy undertaking for me. I personally don't dig the 'stache, cause it is scratchy, and I have sensitive skin. But it's important that I keep my friends looking their best (since I have to live vicariously through my other, more attractive friends), and that means I'm gonna have to come up with some kind of sage wisdom to give my buddy Brian here. If you have any such wisdom, please share.

On a different note I am officially sick of working my ass off and being exhausted all the time, so starting today (just as soon as I finish blogging at work), I am going to try to work smarter and spend a little less time at work, and a little more time at home. I don't know why I picked now to do this...all my tv shows are about to be over for the season, and I really don't have any good new wii or ps3 games to play. I may have to break down and get Rock Band II on the PS3. If any of you have any other suggestions, let me know.

And finally, I just noticed that you can "label" your post. The blogger gives suggestions as to what to label them. The first on the list is "scooters." What the hell would anyone want to write about scooters for? Of course, if I had one that looked like this, I may damn well want to write about it. Hey, now I can label this post scooters and not be lying. I guess I answered my own question.

And now, for the obligatory shot of the kids. Hopefully I haven't posted this one before.



Ooops, I have. Oh well, I don't have any other pics to post right now, so deal with it.

Monday, April 27, 2009

You can't catch hepatitis from a toilet seat, right?

So I spent the day today inside this little tiny room inside the maximum security wing of a maximum security prison in the middle of BFE. It was...well, gross. But before I get to that, let me tell you about the journey.

I had to fly to get to this prison because it's not in Texas. I can't say where it is, but it's nowhere fun, I can tell you that. And within seconds of my coworker and I stepping out of the airport, the tornado sirens started going off. I was not pleased. We then drove for thirty minutes to get to our hotel, where I was treated to winds loud enough to rattle the windows, and a storm that would have made dogs howl. There was one of those monster rolls of cable across the street from the hotel...you know, the kind that are about 1 1/2 times as tall as a person. When I got up this morning and looked out the window, it was in our parking lot. But, hey, whatever...at least I slept.


So we went to the prison this morning at 9:30. They put all of us (2 attorney from each side, plus a court reporter) in one room. One hot, cramped, dirty, tiny, hot, gross room. There were 5 people, a stenograph, a tv, and a dvd player in a room that was roughly 4 feet by 10 feet. The inmate, who was on the other side of a screen, had a room almost as big to himself. That just doesn't seem right to me. The guards, who were all very nice, were good enough to track down chairs for us, but we couldn't fit them all in, so one of the attorneys stood/squatted/sat the whole time. I did not volunteer for that job. We spent five hours in there, with nothing other than a single 15-minute break, during which I decided to use the bathroom. Don't ask me what made me think that would be a good idea. Now, don't get me wrong, I've been to prisons before, but I've never deposed an inmate for 5 hours inside the pod (the cellblock where they house the inmates). I've always been in the warden's office, where things are nice and cool and...well, clean. So, back to the bathroom. To get there, I had to traipse across the pod, which is essentially a big triangle. The inmates, who, by the way, are all ad seg guys (administrative segregation) took the opportunity to say all sorts of repugnant things to me, and to each other, most of which were thankfully indecipherable. Whatever, I've experienced worse...I lived in New Orleans for a year. So I get to the other side of the pod, and they let me out to use the bathroom that is just outside the pod. I assume that it's the bathroom for the guards. I would think it would be...serviceable. Yeah, not so much. It was seriously grotesque. Clearly, most/all of the guards on that pod are men. The toilet seat was up, but I don't know why they bothered. They clearly didn't even make the slightest attempt to aim. It was worse than most gas stations.

So the depo lasted so long that we missed our flight, and we are now sitting in Dallas, waiting on the only flight between Dallas and Austin that we could get, which, if it's on time, won't get us into Austin till 11:05. Then I have to drive 30 minutes to get home. Despite the fact that I won't get home until close to midnight, I may still take a shower before I go to bed. At the very least, I'm burning this pair of underwear, throwing out the shoes, and washing all of my clothes at least twice on the hottest setting.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Dear NBC, Please save Chuck

So, tomorrow is the season finale of one of my favorite shows of all times, Chuck. If you don't know about, you suck, but I will forgive you if you promise to watch tomorrow evening. It's on NBC at 7:00 pm CST. I cannot tell you how good the show is. I am guessing that, even without ever having seen an episode, you could sit down and enjoy the hell out of it, but why do that? Record it, and then go watch the first two seasons on HULU before you watch it. I promise, you will NOT be disappointed.

There are several sites devoted to saving the show, and tomorrow there is a national push to get Subway to help out. Apparently Subway is one of the big Chuck sponsors. I hate subway, but if they support Chuck, I'll suck it up. Tomorrow, go buy a footlong, and put a note in the comment box that you are buying it to support the show. They are going to notify NBC of any sales increases based on it. Now I know, this sounds silly, but really...great show. Worth a freaking shitty-ass sub.

If you are already a fan, and you want to do more, go check out this site. It has ideas on what to do to push NBC to bring it back next season. Really...great show...seriously...watch it. Spread the word, friends.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

As promised

So, as promised, here's my annual rant about administrative professional's day. I'm going to start with my search for a good obnoxious administrative professional's day card on some ecards, which is my favorite site for obnoxious and funny electronic cards. It's a great site, but even they have let me down this year, with their stupid self-depreciating cards such as "we'd have gotten you a card that was signed by everyone, but you're the one who organizes those things." What the fuck is that? Since when did some ecards start kissing up to anyone?

Here's my problem with administrative professional's day. First, they get paid to do their jobs, just like I get paid to do my job. Some of them get paid less than what they deserve, just like I get paid less than I deserve (and some of them get paid more than they deserve, and some of them get paid well more than me). I often ask them to do their job in order to help me with my job, much like my boss asks me to do my job in order to help him with his job. Do you see a trend here? Why the fuck do they get a special day when we are all supposed to kiss their asses and shower them with gifts when all they've done is do their jobs?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I really like my secretary. She does a great job. I'm glad she's my secretary. But it's not like she does my dry cleaning, or holds my hair back while I puke or something. She comes to work, does her job, and goes home. So do the rest of us. I mean hell, I've put in about a zillion hours of overtime this month alone. I don't get a special day when everybody tells me I'm the fucking cat's meow. I just get to come in tomorrow and do it again.

My other problem with this is that it's not just my secretary. Its every administrative professional we have. And we have a lot. So, I either don't give at all, or I give only to a select few, and the rest start talking about me behind my back and telling people how much of a bitch I am, or I go broke. Those are my options.

And I have to say that for the most part,our staff are all really helpful, and I appreciate them all. But the answer to that is when they help you out, say, "hey, I really appreciate that. Thanks." If other people are so woefully neglectful (or conceited or arrogant, or stupid) that they don't do that, it's not my fault, and it shouldn't cost me. I shouldn't have to pay a lack-of-human-decency tax because my co-worker is a prick.

In the end, I am thankfully not going to be in the office tomorrow, so I don't have to sit around there feeling uncomfortable because I didn't hire a marching band to proclaim the awesome ability of my administrative staff to do their job. Probably because of that, this year's rant is a little tame. I hope I haven't disappointed you.

Monday, April 20, 2009

My bad

So I have not blogged in quite a while. I'm exhausted right now, so I'm not gonna post anything, but rest assured that I will tomorrow. I will be in Fort Worth with nothing to do, and I can think of nothing I'd rather do than blog about how much I hate administrative professional's day. This year, it's costing me ample bucks. Let's just say that I won't get a pay raise that will match the money I have to spend on telling people how much I appreciate them doing nothing more than the bare minimum that the get paid for.

Ok, I'm going to bed before I get all worked up about this. More to come tomorrow, I promise.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mmmmm....tacos.....

So my friend Mark is going to be in a taco eating contest on Saturday as part of the fundraiser for his son's daycare. The contest is who can eat the most crispy tacos in 15 minutes. The tacos will have taco meat, tomatoes, lettuice, and cheese. We decided yesterday, that he needed a practice run before the big day, and our friend, David agreed to act as his competition.

We had a shaky start when David got to my house and nearly screamed in horror at the sight of the Taco Bell shells I had bought. Now, in fairness to David, he did tell me in advance that he didn't want Taco Bell anything. But I stopped at a grocery store on the way home to buy the stuff, and that's all they had. I figured he was really only concerned about the seasoning, so I got the shells. Yeah...not so much. Apparently, any sort of fast food anything sends him straight over the edge. But, David was perfectly willing to go get different shells, so the contest was only briefly delayed.

Carole fried up three pounds of taco meat, and had 36 shells. We started with 20 tacos, and were ready to make more if needed. We didn't want to kill Mark before he got to compete for real, so we only went for 10 minutes.


The scene:

The two boys---nay, men---are sitting face-to-face at Carole's kitchen table. Playing in the background, "You're the Best," penned by Bill Conti, made famous by Joe Esposito in The Karate Kid. Between them, twenty lukewarm tacos. David licks his lips in anticipation, as Mark wipes the sweat from his brow. Their determination is fierce, the tension in the room is so thick you can cut it with a knife. None of us are mere observers; we all have a crucial role to play during this historic event. Kelvin stands ready, camera in hand...perhaps playing the most crucial role of documentarian. Tara clutches Ben, who holds the marker firmly in his grip, ready to make record of the final morsel of each taco as it passes the lips of his two idols. Carole's index finger hovers over the "ok" key of her cell phone, ready to begin the timing.

The next ten minutes will define these men's lives. One will go home a hero; the other, a shell of his former self.

Carole gives the signal. Ready...set...EAT!
They're off. No, wait...they're laughing. Ok, they both have taken a bite. Now they're off. David seems to be nicely pacing himself. Mark is still laughing. David takes a quick lead, but Mark is hot on his tail...let me rephrase...no, no, that's about right.
The seconds tick by, as the men contine to dive head-first into the tacos. They've had them before, but never this many, this fast. As Mark sputters through the remains of his first taco, he looks up at his wife with fear and sorrow in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this," he cries; "I've really only ever had just one taco...certainly never two at one time! How do I know which one to eat first?"

David, more experienced in eating tacos forges ahead, determined to eat more tacos tonight than he's ever imagined. But as he reaches for another taco, the pressure starts to get to him...or maybe Mark's repeated attempts to play footsie are starting to wear him down. Either way, with each gulp, he feels his victory slipping away.

Meanwhile, Mark is starting to break as well. The veins on his forehead throb as his mouth engulfs yet another taco. The strain of the evening shows on his face.

Carole, counts down the seconds. The score, David 10, Mark 9, there's less than a minute to go. As the moment of recokening approaches, a hush falls across the room. Then, David sputters...Carole lunges for a bucket...but it's too late. Game over. At least for one man. As the final second vanishes, the winner is clear. David raises his hands in victory; the sweat stain on his armpits a testiment to what he accomplished tonight. He entered this house a man, but he's leaving as a mountain. A crispy-crunchy-beefy-cheesy-mountain.













Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Spam Alert

So I got an email today from "Yahoo! Inc©." Here's what it said:
Dear User,

We are sorry to inform you that we are currently working on securing our server, during this process account which is not manually verified by us will be deleted, Please confirm and submit your information for manual verification by one of our customer care.
Information which is to be provided is below:
User Name:
User Id:
Password:
Date Of Birth:
Country (At Sign up):
Upon confirmation of information from you, we will manually verify your Yahoo! Account and reserve it not to be deleted, We are sorry for any inconveniences this might have cause providing your information over the email. Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his/her account after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.
____________________________

Copyright © 2009 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. Copyright/IP Policy Terms of Service Guide to Online Security NOTICE: We collect personal information on this site.
To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy.

So I wonder how many people fall for this crap. I mean, they went through a lot of trouble, b/c their email address is alert@yahoo-inc.com. But at the same time, they couldn't be bothered to proofread their email. I do like the way they are up front about collecting personal information.

I think I should start a spam business. I can spam people asking for money. Hell, I could probably be totally honest and I'd still manage to make a tidy profit. You know, it could be something like this:

Greetings,

My name is Carole Callaghan, and I am an attorney, working for the State of Texas. While I love being an attorney, dedicating my life to being a public servant comes at a price. State attorneys are vastly underpaid, especially considering the amount of schooling that is required of attorneys. I have a husband and two beautiful children, who depend on me for moral and financial support. Unfortunately, I am not sure that I can afford to continue devoting my life to public service and still maintain an acceptable standard of living for my beautiful family.

If you would be willing to assist me, I am sure I can continue the important work that I currently do, keeping you and your family safe from the horrific criminals that plague our state. I want to keep my children safe...don't you?


Please send money now. Cash, paypal and cashier checks accepted. Please no personal checks. Send money to:

Carole Callaghan
Mystreet
Mycity, TX

Thank you, and God bless.

Twitter

So I signed up for twitter a while back, but seriously, I don't get it. I mean, who really wants to know what I am doing at every second of the day? Hell, most people don't want to know anything I ever do. And I really have no desire to see everything that anyone else does either. Frankly, I think it would be exhausting to constantly be updating my every move...hmm...now that I think about it, I don't really do all that much. I guess it wouldn't be that hard. But still, it would greatly cut into my free time. I mean, let's face it, there's only 8 hours in a workday (really, there's 9, but who's counting). Do I really want to spend 4 of those telling everyone what I'm doing? Wouldn't most of my twitter posts have to say "I'm twittering"? If I want to keep my fb page updated, blog, IM my online friends, live chat with my work friends, watch shows I missed, and eat lunch, I simply don't have time to twitter at work. And frankly, I'm not willing to give up any of those things (well, maybe talking with my work friends...I mean seriously, who cares about them?).

So I deleted my twitter account. I know, I know...you're crushed. You'll just have to live with only learning about what's happening in my life via my blog.

But, if any of you have twitter accounts, I would like to hear from you. Do you like it? Do people care what you're doing? Tell me.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Damn!


So I washed my car today. Turns out I did get hail damage after all. Stupid ping pong table! Anyone know a good body shop? There's only a few places where it got dings.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Back-alley waxing...literally and figuratively

So a friend of mine posted an article about New Jersey's recent attempts to ban brazillian waxing. For those of you who are not well-versed in such matters, a brazillian traditionally means you take it all off. You know the saying...smooth as a baby's bottom.

Anyway, the good people (and by good people, I mean elected officials) of New Jersey are apparently afraid that salons are not properly triaing thier employees, and there's a risk of injury. I'm pretty sure that when you ask someone hot-glue a cloth strip to your girlie parts and then yank it off, you're aware there may be injury. I also find it ironic that this is the social issue the legislators of Jersey decided to tackle.

At any rate, you know if its made illegal, jersey girls of all ages are going to have to resort to getting their back-alleys waxed in back-alley waxes. Don't these legislators realize that bushes need to be trimmed? After all, it is the garden state. Pruning is in their blood.

Archives

So I am a lazy person. I know, I know...it's shocking, but true. And because I am lazy, I don't always want to come up with something to write about.

Thankfully, I used to be less lazy, and so my old blog if full of insightful, witty posts (shut up, and let me live in my little fantasy world, ok?). So what I am going to do is start moving my old posts from that blog (which I no longer use), to this one. If you read the old blog (Kathy, Mark), then sorry...you'll be forced to suffer without new Carole's Blog material when I do this. Hopefully, I'll still have enough new thoughts to keep the blog somewhat current.

So without further ado...the first (well, second if you count the parking garage one from the other day) installment of Carole's old posts (followed by a picture of last night's hail):

So I think there must be something wrong with me. I have been watching a lot of Curious George lately (nothing wrong with that...I have a three-year-old). The thing is, I think I have a crush on the man with the yellow hat. See, I told you, there is something wrong with me. But let me at lest try to defend myself.

1) He's single

2) He's loaded. He has a nice apartment in downtown New York, and a nice house in the country.

3) He has a nice car. It's a sweet convertible.

4) His clothes always match.

5) He is clearly very caring. He takes damn good care of that monkey.

6) He's cultural. I can't tell for sure what he does for a living (and I haven't seen the movie, so if they say in that, let me know), but he's friends with lots of cool scientist-type people. He likes going to the museum, and he seems to be somehow affiliated with it (he gives speeches there and whatnot).

7) He's got a lot of patience. He didn't even get mad at George when he accidentally bought 100 dozen donuts.

8) He has a good sense of humor.

9) His apartment is always very clean.

10) Oh shit...is he gay? Nah, that would be too much for PBS to tackle. So, tada! He's straight!

So seriously. I think I may put him on my list. That way, just in case he turns out to be a real person, and he happens to run into me while visiting a friend in Austin, and he happens to be straight, it's not cheating.

Yeah, there's something wrong with me.

Here's the hail pictures. The first two were taken during the storm, the last two were taken after it stopped raining (about 30 minutes after the hail hit). The biggest hail I saw was about 2", but I didn't go traipsing around looking for bigger pieces. The news showed people with tennis-ball-sized pieces.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Tint is good

So here's a couple of before tint/after tint pics of my car. Don't worry...I'll get bored with talking about it soon. I promise.



It's really not that hard, people

I was going to write a post about people not being able to park between the lines at work, when I realized that once, a while back, I blogged about people not being able to park between the lines at work. But I did that on my other blog, which I no longer post to anymore, and you people don't read. So here's my entry from that blog. It still expresses my sentiments quite well:

If you can't park between the f'ing lines, don't park there! It's really not difficult. And if you have a small car, park in the damn small car spots. Don't take a big spot, and then bitch when a big car parks in a small spot. Oh, and seriously, who the hell designs these garages? Do they f'ing live in Europe? We're in Texas for Christ sake! EVERYONE has big cars. Don't make a parking lot with 50% small spots, because 95% of the cars won't fit in them. One other thing. Just because you drive a porche, doesn't mean you get two spots. Your shit smells just as bad as everyone elses. In fact, I think it actually smells worse. I hear pate does that to you. So park your pretty, fast, mid-life-crisis-mobile on the damn street, or leave it at home, or park in a damn small spot like the rest of the plebeians you work with. You are not better than us because of your car, you're dumber for wasting your money on a car that you can never utilize. I guarantee you, you aren't pushing the limits of your super-fast race car on Mopac on the way home from work. All you are doing is fucking up your suspension as you unsuccessfully attempt to dodge potholes while making an ass of yourself as you try to get the attention of the 20-year-old bimbo in daddy's Mercedes (who, incidentally, is too busy texting her girlfriends while driving 40 miles an hour in the fast lane to notice the balding, overweight geezer giving her fuck-me looks).

But I digress. Learn to park in ONE spot.

Words cannot describe it

So I got my new car. It is...well...orgasmic. I don't know if I can describe how much I love it. But I'm gonna try.

No I'm not. I can't. It's just so freakin' cool! But I'll give an example of it's coolness. I was driving to work this morning, going down Old Spicewood, which is a really curvy road. Unfortunately, there was a dufus in front of me going literally 10 mph under the speed limit. I decided I needed to get around him, but I'm not stupid enough to pass him on Old Spicewood. There's too many curves, and it's a pretty narrow road. So when I got to the cut-through that goes under 360, I took it, hoping I would end up in front of him when I got on the other side. The cut through is pretty curvy too, and the car handled like a dream (compared to my Jeep...don't get me wrong, it's no race car). When you turn on Spicewood from the cut-through, there is immediately a huge hill. I could floor it in my Jeep and maintain some sort of speed, but it was never pretty. In the Maxima...I just gave it a little gas, and I was cruising along...accelerating up the hill (until I came up on the next slow truck...what's with these people, anyway?).

Needless to say, I am going to have a LOT of fun driving it. Here's a couple of pics of it. They were taken before I got the windows tinted. It looks even better now. Unfortunately, I was so busy yesterday, that I didn't get a chance to take any pics of it before it got dark. I'll try to tonight.