People are assholes (and p$#@ies)

So over the past week as I have sat in the insufferable traffic, I have come to two realizations: 1) I am going to HATE driving downtown every day (which I will have to do because I agreed to move our offices downtown...great for my partner who lives 10 minutes from the new office, crappy for me, who will now be spending two hours every day in stop and go traffic); and 2) people are assholes.  I don't even want to get started on 1, so let's skip right to 2.

Let's say you're in line at a movie theater.  There are about 20 people in front of you, and about 20 people behind you.  You have been there for 10 minutes, and the line has moved about 2 feet.  Suddenly, some random redneck walks up, steps right in front of you, and pushes you back.  You would be totally outraged, right?  You would probably say something to the jerk, and other people around you very well may too.  Ok, now put everyone in line inside cars and what happens?  Nothing.  The dude cuts you off, you slam on your brakes, causing the 20 cars behind you to have to do the same, and life goes on.  Why is this?  Why is it that something that almost nobody would do in person is ok if the person is safely hidden behind 3000 lbs of steel?  Because people are assholes and pussies.  Yep, I used the p word.  Don't tell my mom.  But seriously, I can't think of any other word to describe these people.  They would never risk the confrontation of cutting you off in person, but since they get to hide behind their BMW (or F250), they think its fine.  In fact, they think they are entitled  to cut in front of you.  They think that, for some reason, you deserve to sit in traffic, and they have every right to create more traffic for you to sit in.  They think that when they are in their car, their shit smells like pretty pink daisies with rainbow butterflies fluttering around them.  And if you don't let them in, they think you are the asshole.  They will even roll down their window and shout at you that you're an asshole.  I actually got in an argument with one of these people the other day because I wouldn't let him in, and he did roll down his window to yell at me.  The amazing thing about it was that he really didn't get why he was a total prick.  But I guarantee you if someone cut in front of him at the movie theater he'd go ballistic on them.  He'd probably start a fight with the person (and frankly, I wouldn't blame him). What amazes me is not that these people are assholes, it's that they are so self-absorbed that they can't even see that they are being assholes.  They honestly believe that they really are entitled to treat other people like dirt just because they are in a moving vehicle.

The people that let them in are assholes too.  I was behind a person today who, no exaggeration, let 5 people cut in front of her in a 1/4 mile span.  Our lane was completely stopped (as it is every day, mostly because of assholes cutting in at the last minute to get on the highway), and she thought there was nothing wrong with stopping every time some sonofabitch felt like cutting in.

But honestly, this type of asshole doesn't surprise me too much.  I've learned that while there are several types of asshole drivers in this world, there is one type that seems to be almost entirely unique to Austin (or are at least far more prevalent in Austin).  This asshole is the richer-than-god stay-at-home wife who just doesn't care.  This person thinks "I'll be nice and let all of these people in.  I'm just going over to the Domain to do a little shopping at Nordstroms anyway.  I'm in no rush. Teeheehee....oh, look I broke a nail.  Darn!  Now I'll have to get a manicure before I call the nanny to tell her to pick the kids up!"  This type of asshole driver can be found in droves on Bee Cave Rd.  They also can always be found driving 10 miles per hour below the speed limit in the left hand lane of Mopac.   They will let anyone cut in front of them...if they notice them. Frequently, they don't notice them, because they are too busy making up songs about themselves while looking at their beautiful reflections in their rear view mirrors.  They know it's ok though, because they are driving their $70,000.00, 400hp Mercedes so slowly that there's no traffic in front of them anyway.  These people aren't going to roll down any windows to yell at you, but they are just as bad as the entitled-bully assholes that cut you off in rush hour traffic.

I think we should start a campaign to get rid of asshole drivers.  I'm not really sure how to go about doing that, but if you have any ideas, I'm all ears.

Carole and Kelvin's big adventure

So, we went to Port Aransas this weekend for the sand festival. I took off work on Friday thinking we could pick the kids up at around 12:30 to 1:00 and be down in Port A in time to play a little before the end of the day. We left the house at 1:00, and didn't get out of Austin until 2:30 because it took so long to get the kids from school and then get through Austin traffic. Don't ask me what the hell everyone in Austin was doing on I35 at 2:00 in the afternoon, but they really pissed me off.

Normally we take 183 to get down there, but to do that, you have to take the ferry, and on sand-fest weekend, the ferry can get VERY backed up. So we decided to go through San Antonio and Corpus. That decision turned out to be pretty fortuitous.

We were driving into SA, when the transmission light came on in the Suburban. It's never good when your car says "transmission hot. Idle transmission immediately." It's basically like your car telling you that it acidentally lit your bank account on fire. Kelvin pulled off into a wal-mart that was right off the highway, and after some discussion with the mechanics there, he decided that the transmission pump was going out. I could explain what that means, but I already tried once, and I fell asleep typing.

Anyway, we figured that we could limp it along to the SA airport, where we could leave the car for the weekend, and then limp it back to Austin on the way back. Yes, that's a lot of limping, but desparate people don't always think clearly. So my awesome secretary called Enterprise for me, and got me hooked up with a rental reservation at the airport, and off we went to pick it up...at least off we went for about 3 miles, at which point the car made what can only be described as unhappy noises and then stopped changing gears alltogether in protest to our limp-along plan.

We coasted off the highway and sat there trying to figure out what to do for a while. Of course, Emily immediatley had to pee, so I had to take her into the bushes on the side of the road to do her business. Meanwhile, David asked us if we were there yet about 347 times, you know, just to be sure. I wasn't annoyed because I encourage him to check for understanding.

I finally called my awesome receptionist who used to live in SA, and she got me the name of a reputable mechanic that we could tow the car to. Of course, by this time, it was about 4:30 and they closed at 5:30. We got a tow truck on its way to come give us a tow, but they couldn't put a family of four in the cab of the truck. We tried to convince them that leaving us standing on the side of the road was less safe than just letting us pile into the cab of his truck like a band of carny clowns, but for some reason, he wasn't buying it, so we called a cab.

Well, much to no one's surprise, there was some big festival going on in SA on Friday, and cabs were nearly impossible to find. The cab company said it would be 30 to 40 minutes at a minimum before they could have someone there. After about 15 minutes, Kelvin and I managed to combine a few brain cells and thought to ask enterprise to just send someone to pick us up. Of course, by that time, waiting on Enterprise meant risking the whole sit-on-the-side-of-the-road-after-the-tow-truck-takes-our-car problem, so I walked the kids to Denny's which was only about an exit away and on the other side of one of the busiest highways in the country at rush hour, so it was perfectly safe and wise.

Enterprise picked us up from there, arriving just as both kids decided they needed to pee. Seriously, what is it with kids having to pee at inopportune moments? It's like it's genetically coded or something. It turns out that the enterprise was probably only about a half mile away from where our car broke down, possibly closer than the Denny's, but we couldn't see it from where we were, so we had no idea.

Finally, at around 6:00, we had our rental (a mini-van which cost us $545 to rent for 3 days and return in Austin, but damn we looked good in it), and we had the Suburban at the repair shop. We had to leave the keys hidden in the car since the shop was closed. Unfortunately, nobody stole it over the weekend. I know, I don't think that's fair either. Yes, the transmission is shot, but it still has lots of other good parts.

We took off, with Kelvin driving and me navigating. I asked him if we were supposed to take I37, and he said, "no, we're supposed to be on I35." I know, I know, you are all saying "no, you have to take I37 to get to corpus." Yeah, I know that now. Thanks, though.

At any rate, being the ever-helpful navigator that I am, I found a "shortcut" to get us back to I35. If we hadn't made one wrong turn my shortcut would have ended up saving us about -1 minutes. As it was, the one wrong turn took us directly into a massive shopping center for San Antonio yuppies with nothing better to do than drive slowly to their tree-hugging-hippie stores and spend lots of money on spa treatments and grande-double-whip-chi-lattes with an extra shot of fat-free organic vanilla and a chaser of pretention. The wrong turn made my shortcut go from taking one minute longer to about 10 minutes longer...you know, to get to the wrong highway.

The kids were hungry by this time, mostly because it had been about 20 minutes since they needed us to do something inconvenient. So I said I'd find a Chik-fil-a for us to stop at. According to google, there was one just a little way off the highway, and just a few miles down the road. At first I was worried that it wouldn't be there, because, well, that was just the kind of day it had been. But I was wrong (probably). There it was (most likely), somewhere (presumably)buried inside a massive mall. Google doesn't reveal that sort of informatin when you tell it to find you a Chik-fil-a. That's a serious flaw in their design if you ask me.

So we went to Whataburger, and the kids threw fits. But eventally, they calmed down and ate their damn chicken fingers. About 10 minutes after we got back on the highway, Kelvin realized that we really should have been on I37. Apparently, the giveaway was a sign telling us that said something akin to "Welcome to Laredo." So we had to turn around and make our way back to SA to cut over to I37.

Then, about 5 miles down the road after that fun little detour, David told me he was finished with his orange soda. I took the cup from him, not knowing that he had punched a hole in the bottom of the cup with his straw. FYI, Whataburger straws are too big for their kid's-size cups, and they're really sturdy straws. Playing with straws never gets old, you know? As I sat there in a frozen panic, orange soda poured all over my lap, my cell phone, and the seat. I tried to roll down the window, but, to my complete surpise, the child-safety locks were on, and I couldn't. We had to pull over so I could clean up the mess.

At that point, Kelvin took the opportunity to "explain" to the kids that if they didn't start behaving we would just go home. So I decided to just get out of the car and express my dissatisfaction at the day's events in my own way. Apparently my scream was so loud that Kelvin thought I had slammed my hand in the car door. Thankfully though, he didn't waste prescious kid-yelling time to check and see if I was ok. That would have been so wasteful.

Finally, though, we were on our way. After about 30 minutes, Kelvin got tired of driving, and asked me to take over. We stopped at an exit with a gas station off the road, but Kelvin said "let's just switch drivers at the stop sign to save some time." Yeah, that's what happened. We "saved time." I took over, got back on the highway, and then looked down at the gages. Guess what? The gas light was on. No, really, it was. Of course, Kelvin had no idea if it had been on for ten minutes, or if it had just turned on when I looked down. We almost turned back to go to the gas station we just passed, but Kelvin assured me there would be a station not far down the road if we just kept going. So we did. And, yeah, there wasn't a gas station just down the road. Well, actually there was, but we didn't go there. That would have been too easy, and on Friday it was all about doing things the hard, inconvenient, risky, and expensive way.

Kelvin looked for the nearest gas station on the google map app on his phone because it had been so helpful withthe whole chik-fil-a-in-the-mall ordeal. Google assured us that there was a Stripes at the exit just a few miles away. We got to the exit, I got off, but...wait for it...there was no gas station. Kelvin said "turn right. It's just down the road." So, I turned right. I know this will be surprising, but, there wasn't a gas station just down the road. I know, I know, you didn't see that one coming, did you?

Then Kelvin said, "just keep going. There's a little town with 3 gas stations just a few miles ahead." Yes, you would think that at some point I would have stopped listening and just turned the damn car around. But, again, where's the fun in that? For the next several minutes (if you ask me, it was about 15 minutes, but Kelvin swears it was only about 5) two thought kept floating through my mind (and, as Kelvin will willing tell you, out of my mouth): 1) Dear God, please don't let us run out of gas out here in the middle of nowhere; and 2) I'm going to f*ing kill Kelvin if we run out of gas out here in the middle of nowhere, but I'm going to wait to kill him until after he gets back with gas.

It was dark; we were approximately 8 miles past nowhere, and we were surrounded by fields of nothing. If the blair witch had jumped out in front of my car, the only thought that would have gone through my head would have been "dude, I wonder if she has any gas." Well, that and "she can take Kelvin." We kept going, and eventually hit highway 59. Kelvin said that according to the map, we could turn left and run back into I37 about 5 or 6 miles down the road. Or we could turn right, and supposedly hit some small town with 3 gas stations about 3 or 4 miles down the road.

We decided to turn right, and sure enough, a few miles later, we came up to a gas station in George West, Texas. Home to..well, not a hell of a lot other than a gas station. I decided that it was fate that I eneded up at that gas station, so I went in and bought a lottery ticket. I also took Emily to the bathroom where her reading skills came in handy. As she was peeing, she said "mommy? What does C-O-C-K spell?" I hesitatingly told her, and she said "oh, I love cock! This person loves cock!"

It turns out, though, that I was right about the whole fate taking us to George West thing. I got 5 out of 6 numbers on my quick pick, and I won $2,491.00 and an "I'm a winner" t-shirt. It took us almost 10 hours to make the 4 1/2 hour drive to Port A, but if all of that crap hadn't happened, we would never have ended up at the Shell station in George West at 8:30 at night, and I would be paying money out of pocket to get the car fixed. As it is, I lost about half of a day, but I got a helluva good story out of it, and we are going to be out little to nothing for the transmission repair.

Was there ever any doubt?

Yep, I'm a slacker. I haven't posted in about a zillion years. Mark can probably tell you exactly how long. I have two people who asked for inviation to the blog that I have yet to invite because I'm too lazy to go find the invitation requests.

To sum up the past eight or so months since I last logged onto my own blog: I wake up, take the kids to school, go to work. Work, eat, work, eat, work, eat, work, come home, eat, put the kids to bed, watch tv, eat, and sleep.

I have been at my new job for nine months now, and I can sum it up in one word: meh.

Kelvin has sinus surgery tomorrow, so I get to "work" from home while I take care...oh, sorry, "take care" of him. Maybe I'll write a real blog then.

Have a good night, all.

So far it's surreal

So I started my new job last week. The first week scared the crap out of me, because I felt like there was no way I was going to ever be able to make my billables. The first night, my boss kept me there until almost 7, and I didn't bill a single minute the whole day. Of course, I knew I wouldn't, but it was still, well, scary.

Today was day two of week two, and I felt a lot better about it. For one thing, my boss is great. He's bright, laid back, easy to work with, and good at dishing out compliments (something I need when I feel totally inadequate...hell, something I need all the time). And the work isn't so different from what I'm used to that I feel I won't be able to do it. There is a certain level of comfort in being in federal court, in front of judges that I am familiar with, making a lot of the same kinds of arguments I've made a hundred times before.

But it still seems totally surreal to me. Sometimes, I briefly fall back into thinking I work for the AG's office. Its weird because in those fleeting moments, I feel comfortable and safe. And then I fall back into reality, and I feel insecure and nervous. It's like this lead weight in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, so far, my job has been as good as I can expect at a private firm. And once I learn how to really bill, I'll be fine, I'm sure. But I really did enjoy my job at the state. I was good at it; I knew what I was doing, and I had the kind of independence and autonomy that I won't have for a very long time now.

And at the state, I could be social. I could sit around chatting with my friends without worrying about how much time I was losing. I could bounce ideas off coworkers, and make my arguments much stronger. Now, I feel like I have to guess at so many things because I can't make billables conferring with other attorneys.

All in all, I'm still glad I left. I need to know that I can do this, and I need the money. And frankly, with the economy as poor as it is, I would be worried about the security of my salary and benefits at the state. But I hope all of you state employees out there think about the good things you have in your jobs. The grass isn't always greener...sometimes it's just...different.

The Violent Femmes are my inspiration

So for those of you who don't know, the Violent Femmes have a song called "Fat." It's about this guy who wants his chick to get fat so she will come back to him. I like that. I think more men should take this approach, and in the spirit of promoting a good idea, I've been getting fat for Kelvin for the past couple of months. I'm sure he's fully appreciative.

Well

I guess now that I have some readers (other than Mark), I'm going to have to write something. I'll see what my feeble brain can come up with. As you all know, I am starting a job in a few weeks, and I'm sure that will get the creative juices flowing. Either that, or I will be so busy I'll never blog again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Why my husband kicks ass

So I know my husband is a pretty good guy. I mean, I married him, and I try to avoid losers. He's smart, funny, generally laid back, very handy, and cute (and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting to list). But this week while we were on our family ski vacation, I was introduced to/reminded of a few of his better qualities that are so awesome I thought they deserved official props.

First, he is absolutely a fantastic dad. I have a very short temper (no, it's true), and the kids are very mom-centric. That leads to me losing it with them sometimes when they're in the "mommy mommy mommy" mood. When I do, Kelvin has this great ability to sweep in and take over. He somehow manages to get them calmed down, and keep me from going totally ape shit. Don't get me wrong...sometimes they drive him up the wall too, but I don't know that I quite have the handling ability that he does. I wish I did, but he's just a natural at it, where I'm not. And this week, there were a few times (fewer than I expected, thankfully) when his kid-wrangling ability was very much needed (especially on the airplane).

He also spent a LOT of time with me on the slopes, despite the fact that he is a far better skier than I am, which makes it hard for us to find common ski ground. We've only been skiing together one other time, and on that trip, for the most part, he would ski his stuff and I'd ski mine. On that trip, he rented a snowboard one day, and boarded with me while I skied, which was cool. But the rest of the time, he went off and skied the hard stuff while I stuck to the greens. I totally expected this, because it would be silly for him to spend all day on stuff that held no interest to him. But this year, I got a little bit better, and he totally took me under his wing. He spent every afternoon (and some full days) skiing with me. We did some greens and a lot of blues, and he really helped me ski down some stuff that was far more advanced than I would have ever considered alone. Because of his willingness to ski the easy stuff (and to ski it slowly), I got a lot better at skiing than I would have alone. And when we got to stuff that was too much for me (like Parson's Bowl), he was amazingly patient while I had my minor panic attack. It was a fantastic way to spend a week, and I am totally thankful to him for skipping out on the fun stuff so he could spend time with (and help) me.

The last thing that he did that is totally cool was he stuck up for me. I was skiing down Mary Jane somewhere, right after we skied Parson's Bowl, and I was feeling totally gun shy. Parson's Bowl basically kicked my ass (even though we just did a regular old blue run down it), and I was skiing really slowly and poorly. As I went around a corner, this dude came whizzing up and cut right in front of me. It threw me for a sec, but I didn't think anything of it. Well, apparently, I had turned when he didn't expect me to, and it had thrown him off too. He fell down and slid into the wall of a building we were passing. I didn't see any of this, but Kelvin was behind me and saw it all. The guy apparently jumped up and started to say something to me, but Kelvin stopped him and gave him an ear full for cutting me off. Apparently Kelvin totally shut him down, because he went off the other way. I think it's awesome that Kelvin stuck up for me. I mean, by all accounts, I was probably skiing stuff that I shouldn't have been on, and I was skiing it poorly, so people had reason to be annoyed with me. But Kelvin knew that I was trying, and knew that the guy should have been more aware instead of skiing past me way too fast without paying enough attention. In the end, he made sure that the guy didn't freak me out more than I already was by being an ass to me. I like that. A lot.

All in all, I had an amazing week, and I think Kelvin did too. On the last day we were there, we got a little bit of a dump, and Kelvin went out first thing to ski while I packed up the condo. It was no big deal, but I hope it made up for him spending so much of his week hanging out in the shallow end instead of playing with the big dogs.

So the next time I start to bitch about something Kelvin did, tell me to go read this post. Maybe it will make me remember all the reasons I should keep my damn mouth shut!

The trend: personal dressing

So as I've gotten thinner and thinner (and I am by no means thin...or even healthy...but I'm getting closer, and any discussion about that is not going to happen right now), I have found myself being drawn more and more to fashion. Not just new clothes (which have been completely necessary as I have dropped almost 4 dress sizes), but fashion. I am becoming more and more obsessed with style and trends, and I want to be a part of it. My problem with that is threefold.

First, the latest fashion isn't really available at the Gap. Now, I don't want to knock the Gap (and the other mall-stores like it). I get some good stuff there. It's affordable, and available. But it is far from cutting edge. And it's too casual. Even stores like Ann Taylor (which I love) and Banana Republic, which are more dressy, are really not up with current fashion. They're close, but not quite there. And I live in Austin, which is a great city, but not exactly a shopper's mecca. And the mall-stores are basically all I have. Second, even if I had really cutting edge fashion available to me, I'm a state employee, and while I love my job, it doesn't exactly leave me in the financial position to invest in a high-style wardrobe which, as we all know, can be just a wee bit expensive. Third, and this is the most difficult, I still am overweight, and I have a very hard time pulling fashion off. Frankly, most cutting-edge fashion is made for people with waists smaller than my thighs. And they (or their designers and assistants) know how to put a look together. I don't. Hell, even when I get down to my goal weight, I am not shaped like a model. I have boobs, and much to my husband's delight, they aren't shrinking in proportion to my weight loss. Which means all the tailoring in the world isn't going to let me pull off most of the hot styles. Sure, I wills soon be able to rock the naughty nurse look, but I'm gonna have trouble with "the floaty dress" (which is going to be all the rage this spring). And frankly, the naughty nurse thing is only going to get me so far in life.

All of this is leading up to what I just found on the vogue website. I went there just to see what's up, and I found that what's up for the spring is something called "personal fashion." What, you may ask, is that? Well, according to Vogue, and Vogue knows about these things, personal fashion is all about putting "your own unique spin on spring with stylish mismatched layers of lace, sparkle and leggings." Now, I'm not to hot on leggings, but I think I may just be able to pull off mismatched. All I need to do is take my queues from Emily, who has a...unique...sense of style all her own, which her teachers love, but I find painful. Today, for instance, she wore a black, pink and gold striped Guess long sweater with pink tights. I told her she had to at least wear leggings, so she went and got pink, orange, yellow and green striped leggings to put on. The effect was...well, either horrific or striking, depending on whether you're a true fashionista or just a mom. I guess I'll just have to embrace it though, 'cause it's what's hot right now. Who knew I'd end up taking fashion advise from my five-year-old.

I'll have the strawberry fields salad, hold the pretension

So I got lunch today from this place downtown called Leaf. Normally, I'd hyperlink to the restaurant's site, but I'm annoyed with them today, so no link for them. Why, do you ask, am I annoyed (let's pretend you did ask)? You may say, "I've been there, and they have the most fantastic salads." You'd be right, of course. Their strawberry field salad is to die for. But, I don't like it exactly how they make it. Which should be no problem. It's not like I'm wanting them to custom blend dressings for me. I just happen to not want bacon on my salad, and prefer not to have four pounds of goat cheese and onions in it either.

So I went in today at 11:30 or so, and I was the only customer in the joint. There was no one eating, nobody in line, nada. It was just me and about 10 employees all standing around looking self-important. So I walked up and told the closest person I wanted two strawberry fields, but each one would be a little different. So the first girl got another girl to do the second salad. Then the first girl took off on the first one. She acted like she was the A.J. Foyt of the salad-making world. Or like there was a customer waiting to be served behind me. Or--more likely--as if she had very important things to do with her time other than make a stupid salad for a stupid customer. The second girl asked me a question, and when I turn to answer her, the first girl dumped what had to have been the equivalent of two large red onions on my salad. I said "woah, hang on there...." And then I got the look You know, the look that says "how dare you question my salad making abilities, you plebeian?" Not to be deterred from my mission to eat an entire salad without giving myself putrid onion breath, I told her to take some of the onions off. That nearly sent her over the top. She then proceded to make my salad with so much anger and hostility you would have thought I had told her I voted for McCain, or didn't believe in global warming. Much to her bitter disappointment, I still made her make my salad the way I wanted.

Apparently, the part on their website where they say "Our impeccable staff will strive to serve you with common courtesies" is meant to be very loosely interpreted. Or perhaps they strive for that, but it's one of those Big Hairy Audacious Goals that they just won't ever be able to attain. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to keep going there. But next time, I'm going to actually tell them that I want the strawberry fields, hold the onions and the pretension.

Praise the Lord

I got an email today from "Praise the Lord." It told me I could have my money prayers answered just by clicking on the provided link.

You know things have gotten pretty bad when you start getting spam from God.

Do I have to care?

So, lately the headlines have been...well...dull. I don't know if it's just me, or what, but I don't give a flying rat's ass who Tiger Woods slept with, or what position he did it in. I just don't care. I don't care if his old lady clubbed him in the head. I don't care if he did fifteen porn stars at the same time as shooting five under par at Augusta.

I also don't care that the global warming nuts tweak and massage their data to make me think the world is going to end. This really shouldn't be news to anyone. I seriously doubt you could find any big study that didn't have some data massaging in it. Science isn't perfect, friends. It's subject to interpretation and zealots are always going to interpret it to appear the way they want it to. Or, more precisely, big corporations who fund zealots are always going to insist that the data is interpreted in a way that will result in the greatest profit for them. Get over it. That's what makes the world go round. (well, technically, it's not. But the rotation of the earth is probably somehow influenced by the ozone gases, and our pollution of the world by emitting carbon monoxide is probably slowing it down or something. Someone should probably do a study). I promise you that the zealots on the other side do the same shit. They just haven't gotten caught yet. Probably because they aren't stupid enough (or organized enough) to form a large organization devoted to promoting their agenda and then keep all the incriminating evidence on a single server.

I just want some news that I give a shit about. Frankly, I don't know what that would be at this point, but I'm willing to experiment and find out. If you've got something interesting to tell me (or the world), bring it on.

Texarkana...woot

So here I am in cloudy Texarkana. It's cold, dark, and desolate. They lost my co-worker's luggage. So far, I'm impressed! But the real fun is yet to come. Dinner at a fine Texarkana restaurant. I can hardly wait.

I feel fat

I haven't blogged in a long time, mainly because I've been busy as all get out. But I found an interesting blog today, and I decided to post it to my site, so while I'm here, I may as well write something.

I am about to go to Texarkana for work. I really don't have any desire to, but hey, that's why I get paid, right? Anyone know a good way to spend an evening without a car in the middle of nowhere?

Me either.

Oh, the title of this post is because I have gained weight for a week straight now. I have been doing really well on my diet. I had lost 44 lbs. But then there was Thanksgiving, and I snapped and ate poorly, and I have been doing the same ever since. I'm already up 2 1/2 lbs. Ugh. I'm going to try and get back on track today, but I'm traveling, which makes it hard. There's probably not a lot of healthy options in airports and BFE. Oh well, there's always the day after tomorrow.

Here's another reason to break my diet... a 24-hour "diner" with what appears to be good (not really diner) food. It's appropriately called "24 Diner". I hope their food is better than their website.

Uh....Good job Obama (I can't believe I just said that)

So Obama gave a speech to the schoolgoing youth of America today. I was opposed to the idea, worried that he would use the speech as a tool to promote his agenda. I am very surprised and pleased to report that he did not. The speech was actually---God, I hate to say this---well written, pertinent and appropriate. Well, apart from comparing man walking on the moon with Twitter.

Here it is in its entirety (this is apparently what was prepared...what he actually said may be different, I don't know...if you know, let me know.):

Source: The White House

Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today. I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning.

Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility. I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn. I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox. I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself.

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide.

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork. I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in.

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse.

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future.

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America.

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer – hundreds of extra hours – to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.

And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it.

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country?

Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Really?

So I don't know what is going on with the LSU game tonight, but it's realy killing me. First, there's our total lack of defense. I was really hoping that we would have a decent defense this year, and based on the first half of the game, we have a worse defense than we did last year. We are putting some pressure on the qb, but not enough to sack him, and we have absolutely no pass coverage at all. If it weren't for f'ups by Washington, we'd be in the hole right now.

Second, ESPN's coverage is horrible! There's the whole issue with the wobbly cameras. It's giving me a headache. Then there's the commentators failing to describe the fouls. Finally, there's them chatting it up through a TD play by LSU. The go back to the game in time for me to see a guy run into the endzone, but I have no idea how he got there. Seriously, if you screw up and don't have the game showing when you're supposed to be airing the game, at least replay it. And an LSU player intercepted a ball and ran it in for a TD, and the commentators didn't even say who it was. I mean, it's not hard. Just give the guy a shout out.

Finally, the refs suck. And I don't just mean bc they have made calls that are detrimental to LSU. They are missing obvious calls on both sides. They are forgetting to announce the penalties that they call. They take forever to....oh, I have to interrupt to bitch about the facemasking that they just failed to call. Where was I? Oh, yes...they take forever to decide a replay that is totally obvious. They throw a flag and whistle a play dead prior to the snap, then let the play unfold, pick of the flag, and move on as if nothing has happened. Call me crazy, but I was under the impression that if you've alreadly whistled a play dead, the play is actually dead. Apparently things are different on the west coast.

Great, one of our defensive linemen just went out with what looks like a concussion. Things just keep getting better.

I don't like the start to this season. I don't like it one bit.

UPDATE: To the refs of this game. I know it's confusing, so here's the definition of HOLDING:

An illegal action where one player keeps another from advancing by grabbing him and holding him back.

This post is gay.

So I am trying very hard to lose weight. The first thing that I notice is that its really REALLY expensive to lose weight. I'm sure I'm saving some money on food, but I can't, for even a second, think that it makes up for how much I'm spending on losing weight. There's the gym (expensive, but oh, so nice), the trainer (not too bad, and very helpful), the fitness test (which was also really cool...they did the VO2 test and stuff), the gym clothes, the sports drinks (well, tablets...I've been using those nuun tablets. They don't have sugar.) (and now that I think about it, those are probably cheaper than diet coke, which I'm drinking less of), healthy food (which is more expensive than junk food), my heart-rate monitor (expensive but cool), and then gas to get to the gym every night.

But I have to say that the money is worth it. I have to be adding years to my life by getting fit, and I feel SO much better. I did weight training last night, and it felt so good when I finished. I got that endorphine-high, and it's really a great feeling. Now I see why people do this. Plus, my clothes are getting too big, which is awesome. One of my goals is to get to the point where I have to buy a new fabulous wardrobe (uh...ok, add that to the list of expenses). I've already dropped two pant sizes. Luckily, I used to be much thinner, and I have a lot of those clothes still.

I'm a long way from being the weight I want to be, but I've made a really good start, and I actually believe that I am going to reach my goal (despite what the nutritionist said...and no, I didn't pay her...it was free with the gym membership). Anyway, to anyone out there that doesn't think they can lose weight, I really do recommend trying. It's a really amazing feeling.

My name is Carole Callaghan, and I hate the New York Times.

So I've never really liked the New York Times. They are way to liberal and self-important. But on Friday the went beyond being a liberal fish rag with one of their editorials. I now find that paper to be so pathetically bad that I don't find it worthy of holding up fish guts. Using their paper for gutting fish is insulting to the decapatated fish community. My ire is based on an editorial about Sharon Keller which had so many factual errors that it would be easier to count the words that were correct than to summarize the downright lies the opinion contained. And I bet I could count the accurate words without resorting to my toes. Normally I would post a link to the offending article, but I'm not going to up the web hits to the NYT by making it easy for my readers to go there. If you want to seek it out, go ahead, but be forewarned that in some way, you are supporting their unethical and reprehensible behavior.

I'd call out the author of the article as being a liberal gossip-monger, but he/she is too slimy and chicken-shit to even post his/her name. So I'll just assume that he/she speaks for the entirety of the NYT and go on being repulsed by the newspaper as a whole. These people give journalism a bad name. No wonder people don't want to buy the paper anymore.

At any rate, I have to go prepare for court, but I wanted to let everyone know that you should NEVER believe what you read from the NYT. God forbid you rely on something they say. Because chances are likely, if not highly probable, that they are leading you astray.

UPDATE: Some anonymous reader commented that I would have more credibility if I would cite to at least one fact that the article got wrong. Here is my response:

When talking about her stating that the clerk's office closes at five, the author wrote "She did not follow appropriate procedures."

The clerk's office closes at five. It's mandated by state law. There are procedures for filing after hours, which were not utilized by Richard's attorneys. Thus, regardless of how you feel about her empathy for Richard, she most certainly did follow appropriate procedures.

Fat people and sportswear

I feel as though I am somewhat of an authority on fat people. I've had years to fully explore and develop my knowledge base first hand. But I'm not quite as well-informed when it comes to working out. Frankly, I suck at it. But, I want to see the world through the eyes of a skinny person (or at least a skinnier person), so I find myself having to enter the unknown world of real exercise.

This exploration has prompted me to purchase some new clothing. You know, clothing that's work-out appropriate. And let me tell you, the people who make work-out clothes must all firmly believe that fat people should either go on being fat, or exercise nude. Because they do not make clothing to fit fat chicks. Even sports bras that are supposed to be my size leave much to be desired.

I tried on some different things today at Sports Authority. One item was a sports bra in my size (which is really really big). I loosened the straps as far as they would go, and the bottom of the bra just barely reached the top of my tits. Seriously. Who the hell are they making these things for? People without shoulders? Circuis freaks? I feel like writing Champion and telling them that they can stop making them because the people who actually have boobs that high up on their chests don't need bras. Fake tits hold themselves up.

As for the shorts and shirts, the goal of work-out clothing appears to be "make fat people go away by forcing them to stand in front of those long-ass mirrors that line the walls of every athletic club in the free world and stare at their rolls of fat until they decide the better option is to kill themselves." The one benefit to these clothes is that some of them are so hard to get in and out of (think sports bras) that I am pretty sure I lost weight just trying them on. My new strategy is to go try clothes on for at least an hour every day. I should be skinny in no time.

Obama redefines stupid

So the other day, Obama said the Cambridge police acted stupidly because of how they responded to a 911 call regarding a break-in at a house who's owner was thought by the caller (a neighbor) to be out of town. The "stupid" police went to the house, and found two men inside, one of whom claimed to be the owner of the house. The "stupid" police then asked for id, and the alleged owner refused to give it to them. An argument insued, during which time the alleged ownder cussed out the "stupid" police. The "stupid" police then arrested the alleged owner, and hauled him off to jail.

It turns out the alleged owner was the actual owner, but in a stupid...er elderly moment, couldn't get his front door open, even after repeated shoving. So afer trying to knock the front door in, he went around back and let himself in. A neighbor saw someone busting down his neighbor's door, and stupidly called the police, informing them that the owner of the home was out of town and someone was breaking in.

The owner turned out to be a black Harvard professor (of African-American studies), who then immediately started crying about racial profiling. Oh, and it just so happens that this particular black Harvard professior is Obama's bud. During a press conferece or town hall or whatever it is that Obama does to "connect" to the people, he was asked what he thought about the incident. Despite not being fully aware of all the facts, he responeded by proclaiming that the officers who made the arrest acted stupidly. That's right, he called the cops stupid on national television.

Today, Obama realized that it may have been stupid, er unwise of him to piss off the people who are here to serve and protect (probably when he started getting tons of calls from police unions), and issued a retraction...of sorts. He didn't say "sorry for calling you stupid," or "maybe I should stay the hell out of things that have nothing to do with me or my job, and let the people who have a clue what's going on handle that kind of thing," No, no, instead he said:

I unfortunately gave an impression that I was malinging the Campbridge Police Department or Sgt. Crowley specifically.

Really? Ya think? I'm going with you did give that impression, because that's what you meant to do. What other possible impression could calling the cops stupid have given? Did you think that by saying the officer was stupid people would think you really just wanted to hug the guy? Did you think people would interpret "stupid" as "really swell?" Do you tell your kids they're stupid when the get an algebra problem wrong and then claim they misunderstood what you meant? "No, no, sweetie, don't cry. Daddy didn't mean to give you the impression that you, specifically are a retard."

Here's the whole quote from Obama:

I think it's fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry. Number two, that the Cambridge police acted stupidly in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home. And number three - what I think we know separate and apart from this incident - is that there is a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately, and that's just a fact.

Ok, let me get this straight. The police go to a home where they think someone has broken in; they find someone inside the house. The person who the police think has broken in refuses to give ID, and then cusses them out. Where exactly is the part where the police were acting stupidly? For responding to a call? For questioning the person found inside a house when they were previously told that the owner of the house was out of town? For arresting the jackass who refused to simply produce an id and clear the situation up? For arresting the jackass who then cussed them out? Forgive me, but I was under the impression that the poilce were supposed to act that way. That's why we pay them and give them guns and shiny little badges to wear on their uniforms.

Oh, and by the way, Obama. I wouldn't be angry. I'd give the cops my ID and send them on their merry way after thanking them for doing a good job. You know, just like any normal non-holier-than-thou-ass-hole professor (or politician) would.

You wanna know what I think is stupid? Socialist heath care.

Twitter

So, it's been a while since I wrote anything, but I just haven't been inspired. Until today when I was driving into work, and I saw the marquee on the side of one of the Camp Mabry buildings. It said "Twitter TexasGuard."

Seriously? The National Guard has a twitter page? What the hell do they say?

doing push-ups now. God these suck

Woke up an hour early today at 4:00am. I'm tired, but I'm so pissed off at getting up this early that I think I'm gonna go kick someones ass.

College tuition isn't worth it. Run while you can!

Just ate chow. My dog eats better than this, and I buy him the cheap food.

Lance Armstrong has a twitter page. I'm sure it's him personally sending out the messages too:

Andreas Kloden is right behind me. He's such a pansy-ass prick. I'm thinking of sticking my leg out and making him crash. I'm so going to kick his ass in this race.

I know I said I'd be happy just getting the team water, but did anyone actually believe that?

Does anyone know a hot skinny celebrity I can date until she gets cancer?

Doesn't Levi Leipheimer look dreamy in those bike shorts?

The other day during the College World Series (which LSU won), they showed Les Miles tweetting.* LES MILES! He's a freaking football coach for Christ sake! What the hell does he have to tell the world?

Recruited another guy today. He's f'ing huge. His arms are the size of elephant legs. He's gonna be great on the defensive line if I can just keep him out of prison.

We did drills this morning, and then I thought up this great trick play. Here's how it goes...Psyche! I'm not telling you! You'll just got tell USC!

Hehehe. Nick Saban is a retard to have left this place. These people treat me like I'm the king of the world!

* Is it tweeting? What the hell is the verb for sending tweets? God, it's a whole new language.

Obama again redirects "belligerent" North Korea

In yet another firm, yet appropriate statement today, President Obama took the opportunity to give North Korea another teaching lesson, and reiterate his prior concerns with N. Korea using big boy toys, such as nuclear arms. Obama averred that North Korea should not be given incentives to be a good boy. Rather, the President charged the free world with standing up to the "belligerent" country through a UN resolution which asks North Korea in a firm but caring manner to "stop playing with weapons of mass destruction, especially if it doesn't have enough to share with the rest of the class." In a moment of obvious frustration, Obama went on to redirect the country, stating "Why don't you use that pent up energy to go clean your room like I asked you to hours ago?"

Ima Clevenhoof, president and co-founder of International Parenting through Effective Engagement, or IPEE, praised the President for his effort. "One of the most difficult challenges any parent faces is showing his child that inappropriate behavior will never be approved of, while encouraging the child to develop his more positive strengths. Obama seems to have struck just the right balance, showing North Korea that he is hurt by their behavior, and eager to see the country focus it's energy on a more productive task." However, Clevenhoof went on to make suggestions on how the President could continue his message of positive reinforcement without coming across as '"weak" or "a total pushover." "By noting that he has previously failed to persuade North Korea to clean it's room, the President is emhasizing his own failure just as much as Korea's poor behavior," Clevenhoof noted. "What he should do instead is find a way of getting Korea excited about cleaning up, maybe by singing the 'clean up' song with the country, or offering to clean up with Korea."

During UN negotiations, Canada again expressed its concern with the world's strong reactions to North Korea's nuclear testing, arguing "A hug a day makes the badsies go away." Canada, who was later seen at the vice principal's office reporting that Zimbabwe had given it a wedgie, could not be reached for further comments.

WTF?

So earlier tonight I went to pee in my bathroom, and was greeted by a big ugly hornet. I didn't see it until I had already sat down and let it all go, but let me tell you, as soon as my eye caught that sucker, the pee went straight back in out of sheer terror. For a few seconds I thought "I'll just finish up here and the let Kelvin kill it." Yeah, not so much. I decided to take my business elsewhere.

Then, not ten minutes later, Kelvin was out in the garage smoking a cigar and reading a book, when something caught his eye. He looked up and thought, at first, that a roach was dragging somehting across the garage floor. He turned to look, and saw that it wasn't a roach; it was another hornet. It gets better. The hornet was dragging a tarantula. That's right...I said a hornet was dragging a tarantula. Kelvin came and got me, and I went to see the tarantual (which the hornet finally gave up on). The damn thing was easily 4 inches across. If I had found it, I'd have totally flipped out. We are guessing that the hornet stung the tarantula and killed it, and was trying to go enjoy a feast (or put the damn thing on a stake and offer it up to the buzzing Gods).

What the hell is going on around here? Has my house turned into an episode of wild kingdom or something? I bet I have weird dreams tonight!

Oh, and in unrelated news, Emily had her first dance recital today. It was so adorable! The best part was when Emily decided that she needed to get around one of the curtains (when she wasn't performning) and she just walked onstage and went around it. The audiance was told before the show not to laugh at the cute antics of the kids, because it could hurt thier feelings. We were told "if you feel like laughing, clap instead." I think when Emily waltzed onstage, she got the biggest round of applause of the evening! I took a bunch of pics, which you can see on my FB page (if you have one...otherwise, you're a dork). Here's a pic. I'd upload more, but this one took about 10 minutes to upload, and I really can't be bothered to do more.

Ok, I feel compelled to say something here.

So I haven't spoken up about the nomination of Sotomayor, but I was doing some reading on it today, and I have come to the conclusion that people in Kansas are idiots. Now, I know, you may be confused here. I start out talking about a Supreme Court nominee from New York, and I conclude that Dorothy's home town is full of dimwits, but trust me, there is a connection.

You see, I was reading news articles about her, trying to find out where she stands on certain issues, and I came across this article from the Kansas City Star. Let's start with the headline:

Roberts decides on Sotomayor: He's a "no" vote. Demos blast "blind rush to judgment"

Now, when I read that headline, I immediate thought of Chief Justice Roberts. Because, well, we're talking about a Supreme Court nomination, and "Roberts" is Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Of course, the first thing that came to my mind was "what the _____ is Roberts doing expressing an opinion on this?" So naturally, I clicked on the link to read the article.

Here's the first relevent part of the article:

Chris Stigall on KCMO-AM asked Roberts this morning whether he feels compelled to support the Supreme Court nominee as a way of avoiding the tag of "bigot." Responded [Senator] Roberts: "I'm a Marine and nothin’ much scares me.
That's not going to be a consideration in my vote."

This afternoon, Kansas Democrats slammed Roberts for making up his mind too quickly."Partisan politics should never hinder the important process of Senate confirmation," said Kansas Democratic Party executive director Kenny Johnston.

Where to start....first, when you're talking about a Supreme Court nomination, don't just say "Roberts," say "Senator Roberts." Of course, there's a distinct possibility that the good people of Kansas don't realize that the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is John Roberts.

Second, what a stupid f'ing question. You can be opposed to a candidate because you disagree with their political views, because you think they are biased, because you think they don't fully embrace the limited role of the courts, because they're idiots, etc. etc. etc. Just because you are opposed to a candidate, doesn't mean you are a bigot.

Third, what Senator Roberts actually said was:

I voted no in 1998 (when she was up for the Appeals Court). I did not feel that she was appropriate on the Appeals Court. Since that time she has made statements on the role of the Appeals Court that I think is improper and incorrect.

"I think that we should be judging people not on race and gender or background or ethnicity or a very telling story. There are a lot of peope that have that. My goodness, Clarence Thomas had that, and look what he got.

"I think that you should be judging people on their qualifications, whether they will follow the Constitution, and if they do that and they follow the Constitution and they don’t make laws, they simply follow the Constitution and interpret it, I will support them.

Yeah, I can totally see how democrats interpret that as a "blind rush to judgment." How dare this racist pig judge the candidate based on her qualifications and ability to follow the Constitution.

And I thought Louisianians were bad.

It's all in the presentation, people.

So if you didn't already know (because you are clueless), I'm of facebook pretty regularly. One of the things I've noticed on it is the ads for credit reports. The most recent string of them involves some number, usually in the high 600's, made to look really pretty, like this:

My guess is that, if they make your score look good, you won't be so pissed off about it. I used to teach statistics to maintenance techs at AMD, and one of the things I would always teach is that it doesn't matter what data you are presenting, your boss will like it if you use pretty charts and graphs. I guess the credit score people think the same thing.

Obama, UN to tell North Korea "No No" and put them in time out

So, yesterday, Kim Jong-il tested a nuclear weapon. The bomb, which is roughly the size of the bombs the US used by the US in WWII, was successfully detinated underground. Korea further tested two missles yesterday, one being a surface to air missile, and the other, a surface to ship.

President Obama took swift action, rallying the support of the United Nations, and devising a plan to "strongly respond" to the tests. Insiders say the President met with top officials from other military powerhouses such as France, and determined that the best course of action was to immediately reprimand the unruly leader, place him in time-out for "at least five minutes," and provide distractions to divert his attention from his nuclear weapons. Piping in during the talks, Canada's leaders suggested giving Jong-il a hug, and telling him that we still love him, but not his behaviors.

Iraqui leaders expressed outrage at the UN proposal, staing that it "wasn't fair" and noting that they got "way harder punishments" when they were bad a few years ago. Obama, quickly took steps to calm the Iraquis, explaining that the United States still loves Iraq, but sometimes grown ups make boo boos too, and that to make up for it, Iraq will get an extra-big scoop of low-fat, non-dairy soy-ice product after dinner, if Iraq promises to eat all its veggies and help South Korea with its homework.

In the end, everyone held hands and sang kombya until sundown, when they all got in their toyota priuses and drove home at a reasonable speed.

This is my now.

So for those of you who don't watch AI, the title of my blog is actually the winner's song from a few years ago (the year that Jordan Sparks won). It sucks. But even in it's complete suckatude (yes, that's a word, damnit), it was light years better than this year's song, written by Kara DioGuardi (or however the hell you spell her name). This years song actually makes my ears vomit. Not just my stomach...my ears. It's that bad. I cried, and it wasn't tears of joy. I'd tell you the name of it, but thankfully, I don't know it. And even better, I can't remember how it goes. Ahhh the sweet bliss of ignorance.

Other than that, though, this was one of the better AI finales that I have seen. They had Kiss (singing with Adam Lambert). Adam was really amazing with them. They had Santana (with the whole gang...could have done without that...and all of the other group numbers actually). They had Queen with Adam and Kris singing. It rocked. They had Lionel Richie singing with Danny Gokey, and it was pretty good. They had Cyndi Lauper singing with Allison. Allison was WAY better than Cyndi. I love that kid's voice and her style. Kris Alan sang with Kieth Urban, and it was really fantastic. And David Cook sang a song clearly written about his brother who just died from cancer. Seriously, am I the right age to be a Cougar? Because that guy gets me totally w...well, you know.

Anyway, I actually thought it was a good show other than the fact that Kris really was too shocked to be happy in the end, and so the final five minutes was totally a snoozefest. Musically, I like Kris better, but my god, Adam is a showman. It would have been more exciting if he had won.

Summertime. Ugh.

So it's summertime. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of fun things to do in the summer. The pool is back in full swing, so I can go frighten young children with the sight of me in a swimsuit. Then there's the lake (where, again, I can permanently scar the minds of young children with the horror of my swimwear...or me in swimwear). It stays light out long, which means more outside play on weekdays.

But my shows end.

So this summer, I thought I'd give the summer lineup a try and see if I could possibly find something to keep me from actually getting off my ass and doing something productive. Unfortunately, I've looked around, and there's just nothing out there. I've read several blogs/articles about the summer lineup, and it all makes me fall asleep. Frankly, I think I'm going to be forced to actually exercise. Oh, God...what has my life come to?

Yummy...not.

So today started off with me fasting. I had a doctor's appointment at 7:30, which I thought was at 9:30. Needless to say, I'm slightly miffed at myself for fasting for nothing. But, I need to lose weight anyway, because I'm going on VACATION! That's right. I am actually going to go someplace for no reason other than to hang out (and watch my friend Diane get married).

So anyway, I am going to try and lose weight before I go. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no crazy fantasy that I can look good by my vacation, or even ok. I am fully aware that it will take far more than a month to get this fat ass looking good. But I at least can attempt to keep from scaring small children. That's my goal.

To that end, I just finished up my breakfast. Slimfast. Ugh. Seriously, why is it that everything good on Earth is bad for you? What kind of cruel f-ing joke is that? My theory is that God is pissed off at most of us, and he can't provide tasty healthy foods to those he's not pissed off at, because the rest of us would figure out a way to cut in on the yummy-food party. So he makes the good people (Tina) suffer, to keep the rest of us from getting a heavenly reward. harumpf.

It's Monday

On a positive note I am actually working from home today like I am supposed to. On a less than positive note...it's Monday.

Huh. That's about all I have to say right now.

A shout out to Bob Marley, et al.

So twenty-eight years ago today, Bob Marley died of cancer. He was 36 years old. Why is it that great musicians always die young? I mean, this isn't some new phenomenon. It's been happening this way since...well since a really long time ago. There was (in no particular order) Motzart, Patsy Cline, Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Sid Vicious, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Duane Allman, Karen Carpenter, Jimi Henxrix, Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley.

I'm sure there's others that I haven't listed, but you get the idea. Most of these guys died before they were 30. All of them died before 50. Frankly, it makes me glad I'm not famous!

Anyway, I'm giving a big shout out to them all. They were all good, and most of them were great. They would have been great for a long time if they hadn't died young.

Here's a pic of my kids playing this weekend: