So far it's surreal

So I started my new job last week. The first week scared the crap out of me, because I felt like there was no way I was going to ever be able to make my billables. The first night, my boss kept me there until almost 7, and I didn't bill a single minute the whole day. Of course, I knew I wouldn't, but it was still, well, scary.

Today was day two of week two, and I felt a lot better about it. For one thing, my boss is great. He's bright, laid back, easy to work with, and good at dishing out compliments (something I need when I feel totally inadequate...hell, something I need all the time). And the work isn't so different from what I'm used to that I feel I won't be able to do it. There is a certain level of comfort in being in federal court, in front of judges that I am familiar with, making a lot of the same kinds of arguments I've made a hundred times before.

But it still seems totally surreal to me. Sometimes, I briefly fall back into thinking I work for the AG's office. Its weird because in those fleeting moments, I feel comfortable and safe. And then I fall back into reality, and I feel insecure and nervous. It's like this lead weight in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, so far, my job has been as good as I can expect at a private firm. And once I learn how to really bill, I'll be fine, I'm sure. But I really did enjoy my job at the state. I was good at it; I knew what I was doing, and I had the kind of independence and autonomy that I won't have for a very long time now.

And at the state, I could be social. I could sit around chatting with my friends without worrying about how much time I was losing. I could bounce ideas off coworkers, and make my arguments much stronger. Now, I feel like I have to guess at so many things because I can't make billables conferring with other attorneys.

All in all, I'm still glad I left. I need to know that I can do this, and I need the money. And frankly, with the economy as poor as it is, I would be worried about the security of my salary and benefits at the state. But I hope all of you state employees out there think about the good things you have in your jobs. The grass isn't always greener...sometimes it's just...different.