So I started my new job last week. The first week scared the crap out of me, because I felt like there was no way I was going to ever be able to make my billables. The first night, my boss kept me there until almost 7, and I didn't bill a single minute the whole day. Of course, I knew I wouldn't, but it was still, well, scary.
Today was day two of week two, and I felt a lot better about it. For one thing, my boss is great. He's bright, laid back, easy to work with, and good at dishing out compliments (something I need when I feel totally inadequate...hell, something I need all the time). And the work isn't so different from what I'm used to that I feel I won't be able to do it. There is a certain level of comfort in being in federal court, in front of judges that I am familiar with, making a lot of the same kinds of arguments I've made a hundred times before.
But it still seems totally surreal to me. Sometimes, I briefly fall back into thinking I work for the AG's office. Its weird because in those fleeting moments, I feel comfortable and safe. And then I fall back into reality, and I feel insecure and nervous. It's like this lead weight in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, so far, my job has been as good as I can expect at a private firm. And once I learn how to really bill, I'll be fine, I'm sure. But I really did enjoy my job at the state. I was good at it; I knew what I was doing, and I had the kind of independence and autonomy that I won't have for a very long time now.
And at the state, I could be social. I could sit around chatting with my friends without worrying about how much time I was losing. I could bounce ideas off coworkers, and make my arguments much stronger. Now, I feel like I have to guess at so many things because I can't make billables conferring with other attorneys.
All in all, I'm still glad I left. I need to know that I can do this, and I need the money. And frankly, with the economy as poor as it is, I would be worried about the security of my salary and benefits at the state. But I hope all of you state employees out there think about the good things you have in your jobs. The grass isn't always greener...sometimes it's just...different.
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I can't say I know what it is like to have to bill hours. I did it for two years, four years ago. But, here comes the cheese, you are SO smart. The outside counsel we use could take lessons from your wit, your common sense and your laid back yet firm stance on pretty much any topic that has a side. Anyway, the scary part will probably never go away. Making billables SUCKS, but if you get enough clients and enough work, you won't have to worry about a thing (which you will because as I mentioned before you are good enough and smart enough and people like you). That is my "I Love Carole" speech for today.
ReplyDeleteYou rock, Mandie!
ReplyDeleteYou're missed here. I have to say I admire you for striking out on "your own" (away from the known, if not always beloved, territory here) and I'm happy you're settling in a little bit. I can totally imagine that lump in your stomach feeling.
ReplyDeletesnore.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to hear that it is going reasonably well. You ARE missed, but I can totally understand your reasons for leaving. You are so smart, talented, and tenacious that I have no doubt that you will do wonderfully well. Catch us up on your progress. Especially now that you've been there a few months. My how time flies!
ReplyDeleteFYI, today marks the six-month anniversary of you not posting anything on your blog.
ReplyDeletewell, mark, all I can say is billables. I'll try to do better.
ReplyDelete